J0RG!N3'S

sunday 5th february '12

2012-02-05T23:28:00.001+08:00

"爱不爱都痛"

"不碰了，好像忘了，恐惧却在脑海住着；

重复卡在一个，重要的时刻"

"不知道"，这总是我喜欢挂在嘴边的话。

而大多数的时间，并非真的不知道，只是不想说。

又开始恨自己，开始厌倦了一切的一切。

虽不是第一次经历这种感受，但每次还是会被这种感觉打败。

就没有理由地陷入这；有时候真的很怀疑自己。

心里的无奈，恐惧，又能和谁说？

唯一能做的，只是拼命希望是自己想太多。

我真的，不知该说些什么了。

"总是学不会，再聪明一点；

记得自我保护，必要时候讲些善意谎言"

wednesday 1st february '12

2012-02-01T22:23:00.000+08:00

" made it through. "

just like that, the first month of 2012 has passed in the blink of an eye.
January was pretty good, all thanks to the chinese year mood.
i really hate this to end but life just keeps going on, no matter what.
and once again i'm down with that annoying empty feeling again.
you started invading my mind more frequently these days again, sigh.
why can't i stop once and for all, thought i succeeded doing so. but.....
no words can really describe how i feel.
the only thing closest to what i'm feeling now is lost, with no direction.

okay enough of the down stuffs, its the first day of the month already.
must cheer up!! :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> 好的开始就是成功的一半!!
so, finally bought my heels from hauteurbanstyle.com !!
hope mine will arrive within 5days from now!! really love their shoes♥
if i own at least 20pairs of their shoes, i can be a happy girl for at least half a year already.
anyway, tomorrow going to have a class lunch, hope it'll turn out awesome!!
last thing, valentine's round the corner already.
will i be spending it alone like i did for the past 17 years?? ):
sigh, #foreveralone.

"有些伤痕像场大火，把心烧焦难以复活；
不碰了，好像忘了，恐惧却在脑海住着。"

sunday 29th january '12

2012-01-29T23:50:00.001+08:00

" torn apart. "

new year's half gone in a blink of an eye. really hate this feeling of missing everything.
just a week ago, i was happily in malaysia, enjoying every bit of this festival.
just a week ago, i was looking so forward to everything.
just a week ago, i was enjoying every moment i had, even if it was spent doing nothing.
all these may sound absurd to you, but malaysia's chinese new year is just so different.
i am really glad i'm a born singaporean with malaysian blood running in me :>
so, being in the festive mood still, i spent most of my this week in malaysia too.
but now, i don't know if i should be glad i went back;
or if i should be sad i had to live through another painful parting.
ohwell, whatever it is, i don't regret. like how danny taught me to be :>

so, 初四 went back to school, and stayed to banluck while waiting for danny's call.
met him and mom at woodlands and crossed customs to meet fifth uncle.
drove to their house first to collect firecrackers and fireworks, then headed to kluang.
dropped our stuffs off at 外婆's and then headed out to get some bubbleteas,
then head over to kluang mall for an awesome movie - 八星报喜!! :>
went for another tea session after the great movie, and labi-ed all the way till 4??
初五 woke up pretty early, but lazed in bed till 12 and went for breakfast with danny.
ended up in xiangyuan instead of longxiang because it was so damn crowded.
headed back to 外婆's to slack and then went for a k session :>
had a super duper awsome time singing my heart out. k's good!!
went back to 外婆's for dinner and then labi-ed again; i lost all of my RM.....le sigh.
cousins didn't let me play after that and suggested we stop for the night ):
初六 got up super early, like 8plus because i asked danny to wake me up earlier.
but i didn't expect him to wake me up that early. anyway. went for breakfast,
headed back to 外婆's for somemore labi and then went for another ride with danny.
nearly ended up losing my virginity....................experience of driving a car.
but i was too scared to try. tsk, regretting like hell now :<
so, met ahlong and went for another tea till evening and then back to 外婆's for steamboat!!
whole time i just kept praying for time to pass slower, but it didn't ):
set off all firecrackers and fireworks after dinner.
then...........here comes the part i hated the most - parting.
teared leaving everybody, everything, every bit of festive mood.
who knows when everybody can get together like this, without any bit of unhappiness.
it's going to be another year before all of this can ever happen again, sigh.

so here i am, back to this hell of a place we've all gotten used to.
school's going to start yet again tomorrow, dreading mondays like usual.
le sigh.

tu me manques.

saturday 28th january '12

2012-01-28T01:28:00.001+08:00

" give me a break. "

really, when are you going to give things a rest.
it's still the new year and you're fucking every bit of my mood up.
what. is. wrong. with. you.
here i am trying to treasure each and every minute i have left with danny;
and there you are taking away all of these.
just leave me alone. fucking leave me alone.
i really don't know when is the next time i'll ever have such time with him anymore;
perhaps next year, perhaps never.
aren't we all taught to treasure every moment in life??
aren't we all taught that we should grab on to whatever we have have??
aren't we all supposed to make full use of time??
so why are you doing this to me, i really don't know.
however you might think he's of bad influence or whatever, i. don't. give. a. flying. fuck.
at least he knows me better than you do.
saying i'm sick and tired of all these would be the understatement of the century.

"i don't wanna fall out, but we're all out of time."

friday 27th january '12

2012-01-27T18:56:00.001+08:00

" faith. "

its sad seeing almost 90% of the human race losing faith.
what happened to faith?? we're all losing that faith, even though we love each other.
and sometimes i wonder, is it even love when we can't even trust.
you, couldn't even trust me, whom you claimed to love.
you, can't even trust your own brothers, who have been with you all these years.
and you, can't even trust me, your own flesh and bone.
and me, finds it hard to trust anybody again after any little disappointment.
really, what am i turning into, what are we all turning into.

i'm really fucking disappointed how every new year the same fucking problems reoccur.
i mean, are you fucking serious?? what's wrong with me being close to male cousins.
what's wrong being in the same room as him, alone, with the door opened.
it ain't like i will end up making out with them or anything.
i really don't see what's wrong with sharing a queen sized bed with a cousin,
with pillows and bolsters in between. can someone enlighten me??
sigh, i'm fucking tired of all these shit.
i'm tired of you and your judgmental side.

just, stay away from me. won't you.

"we could have had it alll, rolling in the deep."

wednesday 25th january '12

2012-01-25T22:57:00.001+08:00

"nostalgia"

so, how has everyone's chinese new year been?? :>
mine's pretty sucky this year, compared to the rest i had.
everything passed pretty much in a blur, nothing much nice really happened this year...
went back on the 20th, a friday night.
waited for everyone to meet at our house then papa and brother drove back to malaysia.
reached only around 11 and went for supper till after midnight.
the next day just lazed around and went back to 婆婆's to clean up the place.
headed back to 外婆's for dinner and went to jalan jalan at pasar malam :>
after that went back to 外婆's to turn in for the night after i painted my nails.

除夕 woke up pretty late and waited for parents to be back from praying at 婆婆's.
lazed around at 外婆's and then headed over to 婆婆's to stay for the new year.
had reunion dinner and the routine stuffs.
went back to 外婆's and had abit of tea before going back to 婆婆's.

大年初一 woke up with only less than an hour's of sleep ):
lazed around and had breakfast and stuffs. slacked till 3plus then headed to 姨丈's.
left his house around 6plus after visiting and went back to 婆婆's for dinner.
headed over to 外婆's to meet danny and some other people for movie :>
watched an astro's production - 心想事成. was a pretty awesome comedy!!
bathed and headed out for tea, taking a ride with danny first.
bought some time to hoohoo first thanks to him :>
after tea that headed back to 婆婆's again to spend the night.

初二 didnt catch much sleep too, i dont know why but yeah.
the nights in malaysia's just so cold. and those thoughts of mine just wont leave me alone.
okay, back to my second day. didn't do much, just slacked around.
packed up and moved our stuffs back to 外婆's and mom and sis left for sg.
went for some yoghurt with danny and guys, jalan jalan-ed for abit.
after that headed over to 三舅's for the lion dance :>
headed back to 外婆's for dinner and then labi-ed all the way till night.
bathed and then went out for a ride with danny again.
heart to heart with him after getting movie tickets for my relatives, felt awesome.
labi-ed somemore after going back till 3plus. turned in after that.

初三 woke up around 9plus, went downstairs to see who was awake.
decided to get somemore sleep again since danny wasnt awake yet.
slept in all the way till 11 and got up for tea with all my relatives.
a little pissed off with dad and the service at the place we were eating at.
ohwell. headed back to 外婆's around 1. spent the next hour heart to heart again,
teared a few times doing so and i don't know why.
danny's the first that i opened myself to, he's the first i don't lie to.
i just feel so myself with him. every new year, it's the same case.
and every year, it's because of him my new year's so awesome.
really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow!! :>

tomorrow, gonna head back to school for lessons then off to JB again!!
gonna spend as much time as i can with my relatives for this new year.
i'll pray tomorrow will pass, fast.

picturestime!!

the reunion dinner dishes :>

what we'll get to enjoy at least 20 times every night :>

lion dance and setting off fire crackers at uncle's!!

my very cute nephew <3

"i'm scared to say goodbye cos what's after that i don't know."

friday 20th january '12

2012-01-20T18:38:00.000+08:00

"another 19th."

another 19th's passed, another memorable one again. shall not say much about it.
anyway, took auston's car for the second time :>
sent me home all the way from bukit batok; and guess what,
we ended up touring half of singapore. HAHAHAHA.
and we had to stop half way to get down to pee. hilarious much??
don't know why, but i like sitting his car pretty much,
so to whoever who saman-ed him, forget about his case, pleaseeeee?? :>

anyway. this morning woke up super early to go to his house for breakfast.
completed my BC proposal on the way there. first time i ever did work on the mrt.
some kind of experience. thankgod it was off peak hours so it wasn't crowded :>
so yep, lazed around in his house and then went off to school just to submit BC.
and now, i'm home posting this. was supposed to head for the customs straight away;
but seems like there was a change of plans. le sigh. hate it when plans change.
but, still, i'm super sexcited about leaving for malaysiaaaaaaaa ^^
been waiting around for this day for the past few weeks, heh.
still, gonna miss alot of people once i'm overseas ): ohwell.
praying that i'm staying at 外婆's where there is internet connection for contact!!

anyway, this last bit is for you.
i'm very sorry for saying no to everything and not telling you why ):
yes, i admit still have my insecurities,
i admit i'm scared for us,
i admit i'm just being selfish bitch here,
i admit it ain't right of me treating you like this,
i'm sorry. but, just so you know, you are important and special to me.
so don't leave me aye??
i'll miss you.
till then, xx.

"i know there is something that i'm feeling,
but i can't quite put it into words."

tuesday 17th january '12

2012-01-17T13:02:00.001+08:00

"losing you."

don't you hate it when when you lose friends,
not because of quarrels or any backstabbing,
but just because one party just happened to fall for the other.
even though the peson being loved doesn't mind, but the one loving always leaves.
i'm just so tired of losing so many guys i hold close to me for this reason.
it really sucks when things turn out like that.
i don't already have a lot of close friends and now, things are worse.
if only we met earlier, before 2011 happened, things might have been different.
but now, in this state i'm in, i'm just too tired to fight anymore;
i'm sick of people saying they'll be there for me forever,
i'm sick of people saying they won't ever leave, but in the end they do.
but the thing about this time round is, you're too precious to lose.

still remembering how much i cried for that few days when you stopped contacting me,
i don't know how it'll be any different this time round.
i know i can't be able to let you go still, but i have to.
it's going to hurt us so much again but i really don't see any other way out.
either way, we'll just lose each other eventually.
i really don't want this to happen right from the start,
which is why i tried to make things clear since then.
but sigh, never did i expect myself to fall this deep.
i really don't know what to do to salvage the situation this time round.
i guess, i'll just let you go. sigh.

el amor duele.

monday 16th jan '12

2012-01-16T13:13:00.002+08:00

"empty heart"

so tired of feeling so much emotions all at once.

yes i admit i still cant forget about you.

and for you, i'm sorry for being a bitch,

for you, i don't hope to lose you as a friend but if i do, i guess i'll let it be.

finally, for you, just go fuck yourself.

i don't know why i'm so edgy now, maybe its just the monday bluez, or lack of sleep.

i hope it'll just pass, i don't want to spend my last week of the lunar year like that.

so, finally, the new year's here.

really cannot wait for friday to come when i can finally leave this hell of a place for abit;

because i know, i'd definitely enjoy my new year, but not in a way i enjoyed christmas.

its just that feeling i get with people i know i can trust, even if i aint that close to them.

i know all of these sound absurd but its the only place i can be myself.

no pretense, no holding back, no keeping any emotions to myself.

i dont know, sometimes i just feel so out of place, so alone.

even though i know relatives are gonna be like "you grown so much" and stuffs,

and i'll just be an awkward turtle when i go visiting and all,

i know i will still feel better spending the whole night mahjonging or talking to my cuz.

i just cant wait for new year nowwwwwwww.

friday, WHY YOU NO COME NOW. i just need a getaway super badly.
le sigh.

anyway, just a random thought:

if a person who hates/dislikes christmas is called a grinch,

what is a person who hates/dislikes chinese new year called??

el amor duele.

saturday 14th jan '12

2012-01-14T01:31:00.000+08:00

"i'm not lonely, i'm just alone."

its one of my favorite quotes from the movie "one day".
its actually about this guy called dexter, screwing up pretty much everything in his life.
and of cos, it involves a love story; overall, its good because of the ending.
so, i don't know why, but i cried watching the movie.
and the worst part was how you keep coming to my mind through the movie.
am i trying too hard? or is it just my habit?
i'm just so used to associating you with almost everything i see, hear or think.
can't help wishing what we had was like what dex and em had in the movie.
i thought i'd already given hope up, but i guess i was wrong.
you still appear in my mind once in awhile; and when you do, you stay for abit.
i just don't know, if this is real or just a passing phase.
i just really hope its the latter, because i'll hate it if its the former;
hate how i know i'll keep waiting even if it hurts like fuck.
sigh....
i wished we hadn't, i wished it didn't turn out like that, i wished you knew,
i wished we weren't both in this state, i wished it kills you too,
i wished i met you earlier, i wished my every wish on you;
just praying you'll settle down, not turn into a monster.

jorgine, fucking wake up.
el amor duele.

thursday 12th jan '12

2012-01-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

" i don't know what i did. "

so, its nearing the end of two weeks since school's started already.
nothing much has happened. everything's the same old way; likewise for you.
i really don't know what i did to deserve all of this and that.
you're really the first person that turns me off so much; irritating guys cant even compete.
you're such a bitch, can you just stop declaring war with me indirectly.
i know you have your rights and freedom to tweet whatever you like on twitter.
but at least be a little more discreet in your tweets can??
cos i really cant play dumb; i am not you, who's a natural.
you really leave me speechless; thats all i can say, really.
congratz to being the first person that i know to be so ugly.
and when i say ugly, i dont only mean looks wise.
its a no wonder why you're so ugly; they've said "相随心转", and now i finally understand.
i think someday you can really win the first prize for being so ugly.

okay, enough of being so evil. i need to save some good karma for this year.
byebyeeee.

tuesday 10th jan '12

2012-01-10T00:57:00.000+08:00

"ridiculous"

yep, that's what you are being right now.
really, its the start of the fucking term, for god's sake;
its not like start of the exam period. not even anywhere close.
and you want to confiscate my phone for at least 3hrs everyday.
for fuck? nope, for me to do my work.
like seriously, use your fucking brains (wonder if you even have any).
you doing this would only make me so pissed off i wont do my work;
you doing this would only make me use alternatives like laptop;
you doing this, only shows how much your words mean.
it was supposed to be only a long 2 hour's break from my phone.
but just now, i was doing my work right under your nose for at least 45min,
you don't even bother taking my phone. da fuck??
that, i let it go. now, it's already way fucking past 2 hours,
and you haven't fucking return me my phone.

really, what are adults.
aren't they human too??
aren't we all human??
so why is it they fucking get to break promises like its no big deal yet we cant.
it's so fucking unfair.
you're so gonna get it once i'm 18.

to hell with adults and their fucking promises.

sunday 8th jan '12

2012-01-08T02:00:00.001+08:00

" stuck. "

so, events have took their surprising turn these days.
first was realizing how much i needed you.
second was how i actually reacted to the whole situation.
third was me feeling that annoying insecurity again.
fourth was i actually stayed through sp' open house for the first two days.
fifth was how much i sacrificed to be home this weekend just to bake.
so, this pretty much summed up what's happened since i last posted here.

what really frustrates me is how we're stuck here but we cant do anything to change it.
you stopped all contact with me for less than 50hours yet it felt like plain torture.
woke up crying each morning;
and waking up to an empty house nowadays ain't helping.
the feeling of being so alone really scares the hell out of me.
i can face anything; but not silence. especially alone. okay, back to the point:
when you finally contacted me, you sort of told me things.
things i wanted to tell you too; things i wanted to say, things i thought only i felt.
but though you said those things to me, i couldn't help but stop to think.
if i really mattered, how could you have beared to do that to me in the first place;
much less fall. i dont know, i was that disappointed and lost.
and now i still can't figure. i can't even bring myself to think about it.
i just hope whatever that's between, is just a bella-and-jacob thing.
i really don't know what to say or what exactly i'm feeling anymore.

el amor duele.

tuesday 3rd jan '12

2012-01-03T22:40:00.001+08:00

" empty words. "

you might be wondering why am i so free to be blogging,

when i'm supposed to be partying right now in celebration of zavier's birthday.

but instead of doing that, i'm fucking stucked at at home.

i'm angry, not at mom for not letting me go for the stayover;

but for the fact that she agreed to let me in the first place,

but she just changed her words at the very last minute.

it's the principle of the whole situation, not about the staying over or not part.

(okay i admit, unable to stayover part stands 5% of disappointment, but, yeah.)

i cant stand it how she always does things this way; then pretend it never happened.

i really don't know what to say.

parents are really leaving me to be more speechless than ever these days.

i really have no idea how much longer can i tolerate everything till i'm legally 18.

two hundred and forty-five days more; 8months and a day more,

i really don't know how much of these i can hold in.

sigh.

on a side note, first day of school today, 9am all the way till 6pm, sucked a little.

but we sorta self released at 12pm, skipped the 3hour break and 3hours worth of fom.

spent most of it at yunus's house with samuel, only leaving for home at around 6plus,

still hanging on to that bit of hope mom might ask me:

"why are you home, i thought you were going to stayover?"

but nope, she didn't, and totally pretended i didn't mention to her about the stayover before.

disappointed much, but what to do; still tryin gmy best to stomach all these.

sigh, why am i still blogging about this.

okay, back to first day of school; and my prone-to-bumping-into indians day (LOL).

dont know if it's me or what but i didn't dread it nor did i look forward to it;

just felt pretty much.........nothing (?) hmmm.

i just pray page 4 of 366 will be much better; 8am lesson it's gonna be. kill me already.

and i just pray you wont ever, ever leave me.

the reason i'm keeping you as a brother is because i dont want to lose you, never;

so i definitely dont want a relationship to destroy our friendship.

el amor duele.

monday 2nd jan '12

2012-01-02T23:21:00.000+08:00

" heartless "

yep, that's pretty much what i'm gonna be starting from 1st of january 2012.
thought through pretty much in the first few hours of my 2012.
what's the point of putting so much heart into people who doesn't treasure it,
people who can just break it in your face, and make it seem like it was your own fault.
so to hell all the boys that had my heart broken over and over again.
now it's my turn to be breaking hearts.
i have nothing to lose, not anymore.
i've already had enough of "i'm sorry"s,
i've already had enough of all the cheap sweet talking.
and yep, i've already gotten used to karma bitching out on me.
i might fall a little on my way to being heartless but at least now i'm one step closer.
i've just got to remember, el amor duele.
physical pain for emotional pain. no more bullshit this year on, period.

so, moving on,
tomorrow's gonna be the first day of school already,
ain't really looking forward to it but whatever, once fom is over i'll be off partying :D
yep, partying at mbs in celebration for zavier's birthday.
hope he'll have a blast man!! feels so good to be 18 so early, me also want ):
always feel like a fucking burden when the guys go clubbing and i cant.
like new year's eve, all of them wen to rebel and auston stayed at 7inch to drink with me.
countdown was nothing, totally spent it in the cinemas watching sherlock holmes.
still, drinking was pretty good with auston, still thanking god for him.
new year's day passed pretty much in an okay-ish fashion.
still praying this year will pass better than the last one that did.
le sigh.

"can i please come down,
cos i'm tired of drifting around and round."

saturday 31st dec '11

2011-12-31T17:23:00.001+08:00

" the end. "

so, it's the last day of 2011 already. big deal? nah.
you might ask why, and i'll tell you why. i have no plans.
yet i still reserved my whole night for whoever-who-might-ask-me-out.
stupid or what, should have just went to JB with brother.
don't even bother talking to me in the near future okay.

looking back, it's a scary thing but we do it all the time,
to see how much we've grown,
to see how much we've learnt; regardless of whether the lessons were sweet or bitter.
now looking back, 2011 has its sweet and bitter and sour moments.
but as a whole, i still think it sucked pretty much.
still, i must thank god for giving me all my lovely girls, auston, and a few others.
dont want to elaborate much, just wish that 2012 will be a much better year.

"i'm here without baby,
but you're still on my lonely mind"

thursday 29th dec '11

2011-12-29T23:46:00.001+08:00

" mixed feelings. "

its the last thursday of 2011 already.
it's really been a pretty bad year this year, now that i look back at it.
still, all i can say is that what's over is over.

i still can't stop thinking about you.
tried my very best keeping myself busy, but at the end of the day,
you're still the one that comes to my mind.
first thing every morning i wake up, last thing every night before i sleep.
everytime my phone vibrates, i still it was you that contacted me;
but each time, i only get more disappointed.
it's really been pretty long since i've experienced this degree of hurt.
i don't know when or how you moved into my mind.
i thought i had it guarded heavily with all the walls i've built.
boy, you're really something huh.
nothing can put how i feel now into words but i'll try.
it's like feeling empty, lost, upset, angry, suffocated, tired, and a few other emotions at the same time.
and the best part?? you know you can't get rid of it because you still care.
and you might have just fallen for him. accidentally.
though he made you promise not to, and you told yourself strictly that you shouldn't.
but you just fell anyway. against your wishes.
sigh. el amor duele.

on a side note, i still have no plans for countdown.
sucks pretty much being broke and all. ugh.
still, i thankgod for giving me my auston. hope i can drink till i die with him.
partly because i haven't got real drunk in 2011,
and partly because i just felt like it. i desperately need you to get out of my mind.
i just pray everything goes well on the 31st.
this year has sucked pretty very much, so at least give me a good ending, please??

el amor duele.

wednesday 28th dec '11

2011-12-28T03:07:00.001+08:00

" waiting, "

(before you start reading, do listen to patrick tanner, he's pretty much awesome!!^^

this is his cover mashup for christina perri's a thousand years and switchfoot's twenty four.)

i really dont know how to put everything thats on my mind now into words.

still, spent sometime with bbg on the phone just now,

really love her for being there for me, forever and always.

cried a little explaing, but i'm feeling that little wee bit better sharing things with her.

to get my mind off things, i decided to come with two lists.

one that's gonna change what's left of 2011, one that'll spice up my 2012 a little more.

wishes left to be fulfilled before 2011 ends:

1. get real drunk.

2. try my best to clear all debts.

3. decide on my tattoo design and where i want it.

wishes to be fulfilled in 2012:

1. get my pumps before cny.

2. get inked before may.

3. stop procrastinating and get at least 2.8 for all tests or exams.

4. socialize more, shy less.

5. dont get into any relationship before september.

6. book a hotel (maybe chalet) for my birthday.

7. go overseas with friends at least once, malaysia not counted.

8. save up at least 600 bucks by the end of the year.

i will update these lists once i think of anything.

for now, gonna continue to think about the things.

el amor duele.

tuesday 27th dec '11

2011-12-27T23:33:00.000+08:00

" delusional. "

thats pretty much what i am.
what was i even thinking; thinking i stood that 0.000000000000001% chance with you.
it's worse when i saw this coming, yet i still let it happen willingly.
haven't felt this hurt since sec3, and it was both for the same reason.
it's worst when thoughts overcrowd my mind and you just wont leave my mind.
i hate how i feel so safe in your arms,
i hate how i believe everything will turn out fine with you,
i hate how i believe your words that i know shouldn't have trusted,
i hate how much i care for you,
i hate how i always forgive you no matter what it is,
i hate how i know i'll allow you to hurt me just because i still want to be friends with you.
i feel a little more than lost now.
i just hope we'll still stay like how we've always been ever since that day.

okay, enough of the down stuff.
so, i've had an extremely awesome time for the past week.
22nd had stayover at mbs with my girls and the usual friday drinking peeps.
23rd morning went to eat din tai fung then headed to bbg's house.
we got caught in the rain, running from the bustop to mrt ):
still, it was pretty fun though. bathed and left some stuffs at bbg's.
then headed over to holiday inn to get our liqour and my stuffs.
after that cabbed down to vivo and headed over to sentosa.
drank at emerald pavilion, made friends with edmund and clique.
queued to get in at around 12?? clubbing was pretty much okay i guess.
but it was a little tiring, i dont know if its cos of lack of sleep or it was really tiring.
24th morning took first to bbg's house, washed up and slept for 2 hours.
headed home after that. came home to an almost empty house.
parents went back to malaysia again.
stayed up all the way till 25th morning to watch hi my sweetheart and stay on the phone.
slept for 2plus hours and woke up, caught somemore hi my sweetheart.
left house around 3 plus going 4. headed to cityhall to get zaw and auston's xmas gift.
then went to raffles and waited for them to arrive.
checked into raffles ascott around 6plus, slacked till 8plus and went to lao pa sat to get dinz.
waited for everyone to come then we started our dinz.
started drinking 11?? drank till around 2 and went down to meet mojin.
turns out that mojin and auston and traris actually knew each other. singapore's real small.
the guys went up first and me and mojin stayed around till 3plus waiting for his friend to come.
went up, drank somemore, and mojin helped me drink everytime i lost in five-ten with denz.
he got real drunk and i felt super guilty about it.
dont know why, but maybe it was the guilt that triggered everything.
mood really was down in the dumps.
tried to get some rest, successfully. even though i woke up alot of times.
checked out around 1plus and went to lao pa sat to eat a little.
headed home around 3plus??
so that was pretty much to my christmas, best i've ever had thus far.
looking forward to next year's, definitely.

call me or something wont you??

el amor duele.

tuesday 20th dec '11

2011-12-20T01:31:00.003+08:00

" at war. "

so, forgot to mention i'm back from my hongkong trip!!

yeah, i am back. arrived on saturday night.

the trip was.....pretty ok, fell out with family during the trip; kinda sucks, shan't elaborate.

this trip also made me think about alot.

i dont know, you've started to grow on me pretty much. both of you.

for your case, i cant say i dont miss you; but i cant say i miss you either.

and for you, i dont know what to say or do or think.

this aint the first time i'm experiencing this;

i know i would end up regretting it someday, sometime. but what can i do.

i dont know whether to trust you or not.

afterall, a leopard never changes its spots.

also, i know, i'm being a bitch forgetting you, but you are really worrying me.

and i hate it when people dont listen to me and make me worry like hell.

okay, on a a side note.

met bbg ystd, passed her her souvenir from taiwan and ger's wife biscuits!!

caught up with her and then met zavier and samuel and enjia and humphrey to lepak.

went to take a peek at the A&F in town, gosh, the. guys. are. so. damn. hot.

me and bbg totally couldn't stop ogling at them ♥.♥

okay *snaps back to reality*

so, its gonna be a really awesome week ahead!! totally looking forward to it(:

22nd till 24th morning, gonna spend it with my bbgs and some of the dtrm peeps!!

24th afternoon till night gonna go over to JB to meet cuzzies for abit,

since so ages since i last caught up with them!!

but sigh, gonna miss counting down to xmas with my bbgs ): ohwell.

25th till 26th, gonna spend it celebrating xmas with the guys!!

and for all of these to work, i need to money. desperately.

but i really dont know where or how to get them legally. sigh.

i will try my best to scrimp and save up on everything so that i can enjoy!!

OHYA, BEFORE I FORGET. listen to this awesome song!!

its the theme song from 白蛇传说; really an awesome movie, cried abit.
still, i cant help thinking love is overrated at times.
all these romantic love they fill our minds with, through the means of movies and dramas;
are they really plausible?? plausible to happen in reality??
i really dont know.

au revoir.

monday, 19th dec '11

2011-12-19T02:52:00.001+08:00

“习惯就好”

习惯，也好，也坏。

总以为自己早已习惯了一个人生活的滋味；

却又在回头的时候，不由自主地怕了起来。

不管我怎么试着学会放手，

学着怎么不再那么容易地相信别人，

我就是怎么学也学不会。

当然，我也累了；

厌倦了这种生活，

厌倦了那种每天得过且过的感觉，

厌倦了每天都无所事事的感觉，

厌倦了一点都没有充实感的感觉，

也开始厌倦了自己。

有时候，真的感觉，

我已经彻底地被打败了。

可是，我还是会努力地站起来；

伪装所有一切的一切，

继续走下去。

毕竟，我能做的，也就只有那么多了。

au revoir.

wed 7th dec '11

2011-12-07T22:32:00.001+08:00

" Tu me manques... "

yeah, they always say:
"the scariest thing about distance is not knowing if they'll miss you or forget you."
i don't know, these days you haven't really been yourself and it worries me.
you said you'll tell me things when we meet; but stupid exams are taking forever to end.
besides, i don't even know if we are meeting up after they end.
if we aren't, i'll have to wait till i'm back from my hongkong trip.
i really feel super insecure about everything now.

people reading this might wonder why i don't want to just ask him out.
well, i am the type of girl:
who's afraid to annoy people, or make them feel like i'm superglue,
who hates to take the initiative (unless you're really someone special),
who reads too much into things,
who feels insecure all the time,
who gets jealous and disappointed very easily,
who finds it very difficult to trust anymore.
thus, when you sort of "indirectly" say don't want to meet on friday,
it hurt a little inside.
thousands of questions popped up in my head:
"why you don't wanna meet me",
"am i starting to bore you??"
"didn't you say you miss me alot??"
"if we don't meet up, when will be the next time we do??".

i really don't know if its me reading too much into things or what,
but you starting to grow a little distant from me is making me very afraid.
i really don't wish for another important person to walk out of my life.

screw the exams.
gonna drink till i die on friday.

au revoir le prince

thursday 24th nov '11

2011-11-25T01:11:00.001+08:00

" where did i go wrong "

sometimes you need to hurt a little to know you're alive.

i know this is so, but ain't this hurting a little too much?

i don't know what's up with me these days.

mood keeps going down and down and down like its never ending.

but of course, there are days i feel okay.

but it's just that these days i just experience more of the negative emotions.

plus the sleepless nights aren't helping much at all.

take the last 3 days for example, only slept 10 hours out of like, 72 hours??

sometimes i really hate the way that i am, so laid back with everything.

Virgos are supposed to be the perfectionist, out of the 12 horoscopes.

but instead of being so, i am a fucking slacker.

family, studies, love, nothing in my life is even close to okay, much less perfect.

sometimes, i just can't help but wished that i was born in the earlier centuries,

born somewhere else like in the western sides,

where you could just live on a farm, tend to the farm, do house chores, enjoy life,

never experience the craziness of urban areas, escape the fucked up education system.

you could just lead life a little more carefree,

allow yourself to be surrounded by mother nature's beauty,

see life in a different way, like how they always describe in the books.

anyway, i'm digressing much. back to the main point.

someone, anyone, i beg of you,

punch me, slap me, whack me, box me,

just fucking beat me till i fucking wake up.
i really need to wake up from all of these;
and start living life like a normal person.

i don't know,

sometimes i just feel like my existence is so fucking insignificant.

it's like, they always say "we all exist for a purpose".

but it seems like i can't find mine, i ain't good in anything;

no IQ, no EQ, no money, no looks, no nothing.

only thing i know is to fucking procrastinate.

only know how to be a good-for-nothing useless person.

i need to stop doing what i'm doing with my life now...

but i really don't know how to go about doing this.

i mean, i didn't use to be like this.

if i had a choice, i wouldnt even have came to this world.

au revoir le prince.

saturday 19th nov '11

2011-11-19T23:37:00.001+08:00

" responsibilities. "

i don't know how to start, where to start.
its scary how death could just come and people could just go.
i really don't know how to continue this post.
still, what happened was... you contacted me out of the blue the other day.
you told me some things i didn't want to hear,
things i imagined in search for an excuse when you left me a few months back.
i was completely thrown off when you told me.

i wasn't really truthful to one of your questions, but what could i have done..
i feel like meeting up with you, but it's difficult for me to ask.
i don't even think you'd want to see me anyway.
i just feel so useless. it ain't like things are exactly the way before.
but everyone has to take responsibility for their actions.
i really feel lost.
give yourself another chance, give your life another chance, wont you?

au revoir.

sunday 13th nov '11

2011-11-14T01:10:00.000+08:00

"confused."

exactly.

i dont know, its been long since i felt this.

i still aint really brave enough to be ready to accept it.

i just feel so......afraid.

au revoir.

saturday 12th nov '11

2011-11-12T21:31:00.000+08:00

" nauseousness. "

i really don't know whether all of these is going to add up to something or nothing.
all i know, i'm kinda falling for it.
but sometimes, thinking about things i wasn't really supposed to be knowing,
i cant help but wake up to reality.
i am just so used to having importantly special people walking out of my life,
i cant be sure if you're gonna to do so too.
aint like i dont trust you but i just feel so damned insecure; i cant even trust myself.
see, the problem lies with me, not you.
its just that its difficult for me to trust people that easily anymore.

okay, 'nuff said about all of that....
so, yesterday was 11/11/11. was pretty happy i caught both of the 11:11s.
still thinking about my 11 wishes. pray they'll come true.
so, ystd was such a special date, decided to spend the day out.
went drinking with bbg, sean, herman, brian and marcus at rev.
got drunk and puked real bad, now i'm still tasting the stomach juice in my mouth.
but i just wanna thank you guys for being there at my worse.
especially bbg and herman. ystd was sort of embarrassing.
sigh. second time i get drunk like this. i really need to stop drinking so much...
spent whole of today nuaing at home, when i should be studying.
sigh. ohwell.

au revoir.

wednesday 2nd nov '11

2011-11-02T23:03:00.002+08:00

" limits. "

second day of the last second month of this year already.
and looking back at this year that's just passed,
i can safely say its been quite an eventful year.
there were definitely ups and downs.
though the downs were more than the ups,
i still thank god for letting me meet a wonderful bunch of people.
my clique of girlfs, really, thankyou for always being there for me.
my class of 03, all the sp people, zaw & clique, some peeps from all over,
and most importantly, you, you, and you.
before poly started, life was pretty boring,
when school started, that's when all the fun came in. especially when I met you.
from FOP to the june holidays, you, everything was awesome.
then were the gloomier days, stumbled along the way.
things became better when I managed to work my way to you.
did many first-times with, spent the most awesome times with,
not forgetting another year of unforgettable birthday experience.
september was hell of a month. but thankgod for cruise, and F1,
it was heaven mixed with hell, so things werent that bad.
october, october passed in a blink of an eye, but i'll never forget the times with you.
end of october was screwed up in some way, but fun in another way. ohwell.
and now, its november already.
dont really know what kind of state i'm really in.
i cant tell if its really that i cant tell or i choose to not tell.
just hope that the events up in this month are busy enough to keep my mind off things.

yeah, it's painful.
but learn to wake up, learn to be brave, learn to face it, learn to solve it.
life's never good. but we can try make it better.

au revoir.

monday 31st october '11

2011-10-31T00:15:00.000+08:00

" regrets... "

so, school's been going on for two weeks already.

today's gonna be the last day of the month, but a first day of the week.

wonder how i'm gonna pull through today,

got a hunch my monday bluez will come back to me.

sighhhhhh. i just cant stop thinking about it.

so what really happened was...there was just a drinking session on sean's bdae.

end of story.

okay, not.

but i aint gonna elaborate much.

ohwell. been really drinking at least once per week,

when i told myself to stop drinking when school starts...sigh.

desperate needs to stop this bad habit, pinky swear.

or else i'm gonna get fat from all the beer and liquor;

or else i'm gonna get cancer even faster from all the y'know.

besides i always think too much when i drink; always the case.

sigh. so its time i should abstain.

okay i really dont really know what i'm really in this post.

guess i just want to find something to do.

au revoir.

sunday 16th oct '11

2011-10-16T17:08:00.002+08:00

" so broken. "

so, its the last of holidays already.
spent all of my morning lying in bed, too lazy to get up.
god knows when can i have my next sleep-in-till-2pm day.
so, anyway, mood's riding on a rollercoaster today.
guess its just the boredem killing me; feels like i can go mad from all of these.
its like you're stuck at home, literally staring at the clock for time to pass.

anyway. i'm glad the situation took this turn.
good for us. was a total bitch again this time round.
but like they always said, 长痛不如短痛. or was it the other way round??
ohwell. i know myself better than you do i guess.
it better this way. still, thanks for everything.

dont what else to say already. pictures time then.
posting a few only, the rest are up at facebook!!

me with the bros.

#likeaboss.

the bros.

thats about all i guess. dont know what to blog already.

au revoir.

saturday 15th october '11

2011-10-15T23:48:00.000+08:00

" no point anymore. "

last day of holidays already. really dreading the start of a new sem.
i mean, what's new.
glad i enjoyed the last week of my hols anyway.
wednesday, was well spent singing our hearts out with sher, ger & zj!!
teoheng was good man, pinky swear.
thursday, was supposed to be spent at USS with the peeps;
but i went out with yubin and his friends instead :/
friday, friday was the sex man. drank at brendan's house.
really thought through alot alot of things in life.
and i realize, everytime i drink, i do this.
i dont know, its like i drink to think.
i cant say much now, bcos i dont know what to say.
saturday, went to underwater world with yubin,
talked about stuffs on the way, really wasnt what i expected.
but i do agree, sort of. things are just too fast now.
after that met sher at serangoon and had heart to heart.
feels fawesome having someone to listen to me rant, i swear.
i love you sheryl. for life.
anyway, proceeded to sean's house and waited for his chilli crab.
poor sheryl was bitten by snowy ): hope her hand's okay!!
snowy sort of attacked me too, now i'm abit scared of dogs already ):
thankgod for joshua to keep snowy out of the way LOL.
after sean's nice dinz, left with joshua to meet benedict to lepak awhile.
headed home, had a round of mom's steamboat, it was damn good!!
missed it like hell.
so, here i am wasting the last day of my holidays rotting at home.
life's great?? nah.

gonna go sit and think about things for abit now.
sigh.

au revoir.

thursday 6th october '11

2011-10-06T01:36:00.000+08:00

" lost, again. "

second time in my life. i've ever felt this lost.
both times, it was because of a guy.
both times, it happened in the night.
both times, it was 人命关天.
both times, it ended up only with me crying.
both times, it just made me even madder.
really, god, cant you just spare me a little mercy.

gonna try to enjoy myself for tomrrow.
drink and die and forget everything.
and see if you'll save me.

au revoir.

Tuesday 4th October '11

2011-10-04T22:29:00.002+08:00

" no i dont cry, on the outside anymore. "

things are so wrong.
never figured out how we got here, and i guess i never will.
out of the blue you texted me.
really didnt know what to feel, so i just let anger blinded everything.
i was angry, at how you just left without any explanation.
i was angry, at how irresponsible you were.
i was angry, at the amount of faith you have in me.
and now, i am angry, because idk just what the fuck i want.

" I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes"

au revoir.

friday 30th sept '11

2011-09-30T01:18:00.000+08:00

" memory lane. "

a place i'm frequenting these days.

today, 30th again. one of the important dates of a month.

dont know why, but a part of me will always remember.

its like, you know, you are sure,

100% guaranteed you dont like that somebody already.

but as you move along in life, you tend to wonder sometime, someday.

wonder how somebody is doing. how he or she has moved along.

not missing her or him, just a plain thought passing through your mind.

and now, i'm glad to say i've moved along with you.

hope you're doing well with whatever you're doing with her(:

but still, after you is another you. i miss you so.

tell me wont you. be it anything from you;

a simple hi, or your usual "how was your day",

or "how have you been", or just tell me how have you been.

that's the only thing i want to know anyway.

dont just leave me hanging here. i hate this.

because i feel damn guilty doing everything i'm doing now,

but i dont know if its wrong or okay,

because i cant really distinguish what's really between us anymore.

say something wont you.

because i'm saying a bit of everything i wanted to now.

i dont know to move on or to keep waiting.

i will get tired one day, i know my character.

so just tell me, am i wasting my time or am i not.

let you be the last lesson i'll learn please,

because i really dont know if i can go on with life like that anymore.

so yeah. thats about it.

okay i dont know what the hell i'm talking about.

so, anyway, back to what i was supposed to talk about in this post.

work.

shangri la's banquet-ing was pretty okay,

glad that i got to know alot of people(:

but that aint the main point. F1 is the main point.

YES F1!!!!!!!! i love F1 to. the. max. pinky. swear.

the experience was damn freaking shiok,

despite having to report to shangri la at 9am every morning,

and only being able to reach home after 2am everynight.

but really, the experience was a fawesome one(:

especially the last day,

when i stayed back with za woo, jeremy, zhengyang, auston, traris,

and a few other guys' names which i cant remember ):

moving and arranging all of the kitchenware,

experience of running in the huge pouring rain to the bus,

and not forgetting, the sharing of rainwater soaked cigg.

ohoh, before i forget,

the too-scared-to-report-back-to-clamor-one moments,

just because i drank the alcohol that my barman mixed and my face was damn red.

all the lepak moments and eating the damn shiok hagen daz icecreams(:

all in all, F1 work was really shiok ttfm!!^^

gonna meet up with the guys tomorrow with a drinking session!!

sexcited much about it(:

okay, so that's about it i guess.

au revoir.

wed 14th sept '11

2011-09-14T23:20:00.000+08:00

" dont wanna believe it wasn't real. "

people keep telling me,

"i think he was just playing with you."

"maybe he was interested, but just for that little while."

"forget him, there're so many better guys out there."

"you deserve better."

..............

how could these apply when he was so special.

how could these apply when you felt like he was the one.

how could these apply when he left you so much memories.

how could these apply when you cant bear to delete his texts,

how could these apply when you cant throw away things he gave you,

how could these apply when you know you'll think about him all the time.

how could these apply when places you've been to always reminds you,

moments you've spent together, every little detail.

i dont know, i just miss you. i miss us.

now i cant figure out what i did wrong.

all i want is the old us.

okay enough.

today was fucked up enough.

au revoir.

tues 13th sept '11

2011-09-13T21:51:00.000+08:00

" i dont know how we got here,

all that i know is i wanna go back. "

its painful,

how you get used to having somebody,

how you get used to loving someobody,

how you get used to texting somebody everyday,

and then one day,

it all stops.

for no reason you can figure out.

au revoir.

friday sept 9th '11

2011-09-09T01:27:00.000+08:00

" i stare up at the stars,

and wonder just where you are. "

okay it's been 27 hours and 30minutes since your last text;

26 hours and 8min since my last reply.

what the hell is going on.

whatever. gonna leave singapore tomorrow again.

hope i can leave my problems behind and sleep well just for the next few nights,

just like i did during the cruise...

okay, shall stop being so down about stuffs i cant explain...so,

CRUISE WAS THE SEX MAN.

pinky swear, all the fun times with my girls and company <3

all the good food, all the morning moments waking up to my girls,

all the lepak times, all the smoking times, all the heart to heart moments,

all the gambling times at 5063 or 5061, all the truth or dare at 5063 or 5061..

man, how i wish time could turn back ): sigh.

so here's more of what we more or less did during the cruise.

4th sept '11

reported to school at 9, had abit of briefing and bus-ed to harbor front.

had brunch at mos burgers then queued from 12 - 12:30.

board the cruise finally at around 1?? got to explore the cruise abit!!^^

met zijun and her mom and sis, gathered at 2plus, then attended some drill.

played abit of bonding games and had dinner at bella vista.

received a brithday surprise from the crew!!

was really surprised when they came in with the dadaladada happy birthday song!!

the cake was quite good(: after that watched a magic show then went smoking;

went back to 5061 but no one was there, went to 5063 lights were out.

thought no one was there till i walked in and the girls suddenly popped out,

singing the dadaladada happy birthday song~ was surprised again!!

the celebration was damn awesome, pinky swear <3

thankyou girls for the awesome gift and surprise!! :')

thankyou sharul and girls for the cooperated surprise with the crew,

thankyou to all who chipped in for my present!! love it ttm!! <3

after that lepak-ed somemore. washed up then turned in finally 4plus~

5th september '11

woke up to my girls, everyone was too tired to get up,

so we decided to skip breakfast and sleep in abit more.

washed, dressed up then toured the kitchen and visited the casino~

after that gathered at lido to wait for disembarkation at penang!!

toured the Eastern & Oriental Hotel, the suites were posh ttfm!!

honeymoon at the hotel would definitely be the bomb!!

went to a local product shop after that.

basically spent the whole afternoon in penang, looked for cigg but couldnt find ):

board back to the ship and went for dinner (BBQ food was awesome :D)

then went for dessert at bella vista and got to know our nepal guy HAHA

after that lepaked the night away again, played blackjack and turned in~

6th september '11

woke up late bcos my alarm didnt go off ): guilty max!!

quickly dressed then met up and got ready to disembark at phuket~

had lunch at some hotel, then went to visit dusit thani laguna!!

the view from the rooms were awesome and the villa was sex.

3 storeys high, a personal pool for each apartment even (Y)

after that went to eat some refreshments, enjoy thai masagge and watch thai boxing!!

then.......we got to SHOPPPPPPP!! :D spent all of my thai baht~

headed back to the cruise after that, bathed and dressed for gala night!!

everybody looked so handsome and pretty!!

took some professional photos at the lobby,

BUT I FREAKING FORGOT TO GO SEE THE PHOTOS ): SIGH.

anyway after that we lepaked till midnight and went for supper~

more lepkaing after that!! laid at deck 13 and looked at the smoke blow up into the sky.

played truth or dare for the whole night and turned~

7th september '11

last day of cruise!! slept in all the way till 10, as the evaluation shit was cancelled!!^^

washed up and packed up abit, then

had lunch at bella vista and then lepaked and sang k at the celebrity!!

then went back to our rooms to pack up and to collect our luggages.

had our last dinner at bella vista and headed off to Lido to wait for disembarkatio ):

disembarked at around 7 and reached vivo at around 8.

bought alcohol and met carlson with zhiyan.

had my final stick before heading home alone.

so here i am. missing cruise like hell and wishing and wishing time would turn back.

i would re-live these four days over and over and over again.

sigh, that's how life is ): all the happy moments always fly passby,

but the sad moments all seem to drag by so, so slowly.

its like i came back to singapore, came back to all my problems;

cruise was a getaway, from parents and all the problems.

sigh.

au revoir.

wed 7th sept '11

2011-09-07T22:54:00.003+08:00

" wished you knew. "

dont know what to feel, what to think anymore.

au revoir.

sat 3rd september '11

2011-09-03T00:22:00.000+08:00

" plain pain. "

sometimes, i really dont know what to think.

parents need to stop pissing me off.

fucking biased you are.

and you?? you need to stop chup chewing so much.

go away. leave me alone. whatever.

au revoir.

wed 31 aug '11

2011-08-31T22:13:00.001+08:00

" you aint me; you wont know. "

fuck all those bullshit about family. i can fucking survive without you guys.

who needs family when all they give you is problem after problem.

who needs family when all they give you is stress.

who needs family when all they make you do is cry everynight.

who needs family when all they make you do is feel like you rather didnt have one.

who needs family when all they do is attitude you for nothing.

who needs family when all they do is make you feel like you aint loved.

i only need money in these cases.

not trying to sound like an ungrateful bitch or something here.

but seriously. if you aint me, you dont know.

i know, there are worse families out there as compared to mine.

i know, i really am a fucking unfilial and ungrateful bitch.

but stop and think for awhile.

if your parents who:

keep expecting a great deal out of you,

have curfews for you when you're already turning 18,

nags when you really wanna go out to study / do project,

needs you to surrender your phone every fucking night,

always say you dont have a heart for this family when you do,

and you always do your best to do housework, care about them.

still, they say you never do much for this family.

and alot of other stuff. i mean its absurd for the 21st century.

and the siblings part?? fuckyou sister.

people need to stop telling me crap like:
"being the youngest is good what!!"

or "why you youngest you dont like!!"
srsly?? go away.

if i could choose, i'll be the oldest but nicest.

not like some fucking mean bitch who throws her tantrum at me.

like what?? wtf did i even do.

and i wont be so cek ark. i would share, i would be nice.

but still, no point saying all of these crap.

sigh.

au revoir.

tuesday 30th aug '11

2011-08-30T01:56:00.001+08:00

" simply because, i love you. "

exams are overrrrrrrrrr!! HELLYEAH. TIME TO PARTYYYYY!!^^

okay thats all. for the happy part that is.

okay, i know things were abit serious today; but i just wanna say,

dont feel so bad, i know it aint really like you have a choice.

i'll do my best to understand; sorry for black-face-ing you.

just stop feeling so bad or guilty over it.

au revoir.

friday 26th aug '11

2011-08-26T10:54:00.000+08:00

" i just need you now "

yep, like now.

i miss you.

au revoir.

tuesday 16th aug '11

2011-08-16T19:30:00.000+08:00

" we're everything and more. "

okay, its been sometime since i last posted.

these weeks been okay, had fun lepak-ing at NP after school,

also drank a few times more with the usual peeps,

life's pretty okay, i can safely say this(:

things with you, though complicated, i guess i can say it is good??

all i wanna say is, thankyou.

thankyou for listening,

thankyou for trusting me,

thankyou for being there for me,

thankyou for everything you tried to get me talking,

thankyou for making me happy, its been awhile.

thankyou, for loving me.

anyway. enough of the updates on the fun-er side of my life.

now for the stupid topic everyone hates or dislikes.....

exams are round the corner, MOB's already over yesterday.

it was pretty screwed i guess?? but ohwell, i didnt really study again :/

just let me pass this paper and dont forward module i'll be grateful.

time i pulled up my socks but i really aint in the mood.

but whats new...everytime i'm in the mood to study, things always go wrong.

this time round i feel like i'm sick. headaches all day,

stomachache-for-nothing syndrome keeps coming back,

and the sleepless nights aint really helping too...

my body is like so damn screwed but i aint doing anything about it ):

i suck. i know. but aiya, whatever.

okay, shall be off to power nap then study!! (hopefully).

au revoir.

tuesday 2nd aug '11

2011-08-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

" guards up. "

" i dont wanna play the broken hearted girl. "

dont know why, today felt like posting again...

mood today was abit down in the morning and now.

i hope its just plain pms, not a bad habit i'm getting used to...

but in the morning i couldnt help having a bad hunch about the outing...

kept worrying throughout the day; i know its my part of thinking too much...

but after guys like you and you and you, i dont know how to trust.

aint like i dont wanna to, but it really hurts.

trusting so much, but hopes getting trashed down in your face in the end.

BUT!! turned out my hunch was wrong, for the first time!!(:

that drunkard finally woke up at 11 and went to school~

and guess what, best part, his lesson cancelled when he ran to class.

ohya, that drunkard also damn nerd. he actually alighted at the wrong stop.

so, he ended up touring almost half of sp in like, 30 min??

he finally found his way to SB and he really did the flag thing ._. gosh.

lepak-ed abit then heade to mrt to train to dhoby~

bought tix for 3D Captain America.

then went to eat icecream and cheesecake at anderson's.

gosh, i ate the icecream so slow that it melted down totally.

because of so, and my stupid ulcer i eat until damn unglam ):

nvm, dont wanna talk about it already :/

lepak-ed somemore then went for my virgin 3D movie~

Captain America was.....pretty awesome!! cos he damn hawt *drools*

ohwell. ended the day by traning home with him and continuing with my gl-ness :B

today, i definitely was a happygirl.

thankyou, it's been so long.

au revoir.

sunday 31st july '11

2011-08-02T00:13:00.003+08:00

" thoughts overcrowding my mind. "

okay hi, back to post for the sake of posting.

gotten myself some life since i last posted.

visited the ktm tracks with sheryl and royston, drank,

tried to reorganise my life and stuffs (but attempts failed, as usual).

mood's just like an emotional rollercoaster these days.

dont know why. after him now's another one.

aint like i didnt know the consequences or the pain.

scolded myself strictly, never to let history repeat itself.

"once or twice was enough, i didnt need the pain".

alas, i'm still back to square one all over again.

really disappointed with myself for starting all these crap.

now i've got to clear up after my own wrongdoings.

jorgine, when will you ever learn to stop making life difficult for yourself??

friday's drinking session was pretty awesome.

somehow i was sober, surprisingly.

and surprisingly, i brokedown. its been quite sometime since i did so.

moreover, it was in front of people whom i wasnt exactly very close with.

ohwell, it really got me thinking, that night.

i'm gonna have to start standing up for my basic rights.

whether parents like it or not, they're gonna have to let go.

i'm like, turning 18 next year already??

legal adult i'll be becoming and they still treat me like a 3yr old kid.

who are they even kidding.....

to sum up my moods these days - i just feel, tired.

tired of letting myself see history repeat all over again.

tired of seeing myself like this.

tired of feeling sad, confused, upset all the time.

tired of feeling so deprived of true laughters from myself.

tired of feeling tired.

tired of waiting.

i'm just tired, so tired.

i dont what to say or do already.

au revoir.

pictures time.

as usual, the rest, are up at facebook.

monday 11 july '11

2011-07-11T23:54:00.001+08:00

" you made it seem so real. "

i'm feeling so afraid; can feelings go away.

i dont know why or what. i'm just, feeling afraid.

its like i've lost it all over again. that balance.

and now i cant go back.

resenting myself, but what can i do.

they say, you always have a choice.

but sometimes, i dont. like now.

the only option left for me is to walk away;

pretend that nothing ever happened.

mst results were back other than mob,

did okay, but not good enough. i need to buck up, definitely.

these days, been spending sometime with the IT fair kakis.

definitely enjoying their awesome company(:

ohwell. i'm just glad to have some friends around.

i thankgod for all those who left an impact on my life.

be it good or bad; at least i've learnt,

that in life, you cant be too picky y'know.

okay idk wtf i'm talking in the last para. but okay.

need to go do my stupid poa already.

i wasnt even supposed to be blogging. oops.

au revoir.

sunday 3rd july '11

2011-07-03T16:30:00.000+08:00

" hurts. "

today's third of july!! which is my baby's 17th birthday!! ♥

happy birthday my dearest!! ♥ you forever!! missing you like hell ):

okay, so.

school's passed like freaking fast. blink of an eye, first term's already over.

and what have i done so far?? nothing. great. awesome.

ohwell. i really need to buck up for this new term!! ):

mst was pretty much screwed up, shant elaborate.

but at least, friday had an awesome time with my girls!!♥

ohoh, not forgetting the awesome linus and sharul too~

saturday and today passed just pretty much normally.

let the pictures do the talking, dk what to post already....

yepz thats about it~ the rest are up at facebook!!

aur revoir.

saturday 18th june '11

2011-06-18T23:00:00.000+08:00

" so tell me what you wanna hear. "

okay, week two of hoildays totally whizzed past.

and guess what, i didnt study at all.

someone should just shoot me and let me die.

i keep telling myself week two must be for studying and stuffs but....

haiz i hate myself, ):

i must fucking start on econs during chalet i swear.

gonna be a no lifer and study during chalet when its all fun.

anyway, im fucking sexcited for chalet!!

partly cos its so long since i've contacted bestie (guilty much).

and i can finally get outta this hell of a place.

also partly cos i can drink to my heart's content.

best part, morgan's finally presenting his surprise to me!!

waited like since dunno how many zillion days ago.

hopefully its a good one and hopefully he wont heartbreak when we htht.

now, imma just watch my fast and furious and then try to pack;

then i'll just try to sleep and not think about tmr.

okay that'll never happen, the sleeping part.

au revoir.

thursday 16th june '11

2011-06-16T23:54:00.000+08:00

" i thought you felt it too. "

okay, dad's just home late from his class and stuffs.

and when he comes home late, his mood is always one the edge.

then he showed me his attitude face and asked me stuffs in that tone.

and how do you expect my guards not to go up??

then best thing he still asks me qns he asked before a zillion times.

okay maybe not that exaggerating but you get the idea.

i totally hate to repeat. i swear.

and its not like i know why, not like its eileen's or anybody's fault.

its just the way booking of chalet is...

i'm trying to understand he's old fashioned, not used to these kinda things.

but my understanding has a limit you know.

i definitely dont deserve the way i was being questione like a criminal.

oh well. enough of my stupid ranting.

anyway!! tuesday went for "studying session" with morgan.

went to wake that pigz up at his house, then waited for him to get ready.

he ate somewhere near his house then we headed over to starbucks.

slacked awhile and decided that we were too not motivated to study :/

he ended up playing his angry birdz and i read abit of econs.

but i was a major fail cos there was too much cravings distracting me ):

so............went to satisfy my cravings.

first was auntie anne's, then garret popcorns, then bbt!!

i kept telling him its sinful max, but he just told me to eat.

so, went back to his house and enjoyed the popcorns while watching movie.

that idiot wanted to make me watch ghost movies ):

so i picked drag me to hell....

but he was nice enough, switched to a comedy instead.

i forgot the title but it was nice!!(: watched some youtube vidz after that,

went down to meet taufiq then they sent me to bustop and then i went home.

wednesday, went back to school to learn the dance for camp.

no offense, but i really think imma embarrass myself.

tsk. ohwell, after the learnign met morgan, taufiq and hamdan.

slacked in school then the guys went for training and i trained home alone.

today, wanted to go back to cchms but too lazy and awkward.

cos no one i know thats close enough to me is going back.

so yeah. ended up slacking at home :x totally no motivation to study.

slack die me!! next week after chalet i confirm dieeeee.

oh well. thats so me.

okay, enough of my crappy post. pictures time!! (from IT fair)

our fellow promoters from lenovo newstead!!

pretty jiaweina and me(:

me and sheryl(:

xiaohui damn pretty!!

jotina(:

raphael!! coolnameboy!!

sia la idk her name, only know her as ah ling.

samuel(:

samuel trying to act ahbeng and all. #fail.

me and lion!!

the pretty galz.

lotsa cam whoring on jotina's iphone(:

galz with the tallie who pinch people damn hard ):

okay my failed shot with the madeshift axe #fail.

gerv's sorta pulled it off till sheryl.........

won. (Y) best. HAHA

notice the height difference??

the three act cool boyz.

zhenyeow with the axe and the fail "shield" HAHA

his sexayye post (Y)

okay the rest are up at facebook!!(:

au revoir.

monday 13th june '11

2011-06-13T23:09:00.001+08:00

" i was enchanted to meet you. "

bad thing, good thing. IT fair is finally over.
4days of work, got to know alot of people(:
mad tiring but fun enough(: all the lepaking and stuff.
best part was meeting some people;
had a good time laughing at morgan & co. disturbing those clueless bitches.
finally got my own lappie too, grateful much to sister and dad who came down.
the pictures will be up soooooooon!!(:

these two days, been thinking alot.
came up with alot of things to say but everything's gonna have to wait.
some i could give away; some not.
sometimes i hate myself. and sometimes, i feel like bella (minus the edward part).
its like i cant help being greedy. but somethings arent really up to us.
somethings like heart issues.

there's so much on my mind; so much to say.
but i just dont know where to start.

au revoir.

thursday 9th june '11

2011-06-09T01:07:00.000+08:00

" love takes every breath,

leaves every scar. "

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee. am sexcited much for work in 9 hours' time!!

dont know, just damn stoked for it.

its weird i am so high at such a time and with such a weather.

(yes its raining heavily now and its damn shiok for sleeping)

i should stop posting soon and go sleep or i'll look cui like a g6,

as quoted from samuel.

HOPE I CAN EARN BIG CHACHINGZ FOR THE NEXT 4 DAYS!!

last thing before i go,

i damn happy papa said yes to me for chalet + staying over + dtrm camp!!

woohoo!! papa wan sui!! :B

okay, idk why i so high O:

au revoir.

sunday 5th june '11

2011-06-05T19:45:00.002+08:00

" mistreated, misplaced,

misunderstood. "

holidays starting were awesome much!!(:

friday, went to back to school (though i didnt have to).

met morgan and friends then eat, lepak,

then me and morgan left for dhoby.

checked for movie timings but turn out that everything was damn late.

so ended up playing pool at pomo with morgan, hamdan and taufiq.

met zhiyan at dhoby mrt after that and headed to margan's house.

watched a damn funny movie (idk what its called)

then slacked abit and i headed home first.

yesterday, had flea with my girls at iluma's SE7EN!!

mangaed to sell only abit, sad much but ohwell.

time spent with my girls are worth so much more(:

junkiet, jeremy, kieman, zijun and some others came too!!

after flea went to find morgan they all with zhiyan.

ate dinner then morgan sent me home.

yepz, today's weather was awesome much, rained since morning.

but sister made me wake up at 8 bcos she threw her pillow at me.

and it was a damn freaking hard throw.

this is the bad thing about sleeping together in a room.

PICTURESTIME!!

me, zhiyan and gerv(:

samuel's tiko face (Y) HAHA

samuel and me(:

gerv's successful prety lights!!

me and zijun(:

zhiyan, me and sheryl(:

samuel's "cool" hair.

okayy, thats about it, the rest of the photos are at facebook!!

au revoir.

thurs 2nd june '11

2011-06-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

" dont wanna wake up. "

okay, so school's passed in a blink of an eye.

now first term's over and today is the last day of school.

i know, weird hearing that thursday is my last day of school.

but ohwell. life's going our way(:

first, stats lecture was cancelled.

second, mob tutorial was removed.

thirdly, stats tutorial was moved forward to today.

fourthly, pacc was just cancelled suddenly.

awesome much?? nah, its awesome to the freaking max!!

but sorta sian; somehow, just somehow;

got a bad hunch that i'll either nua or end up wandering somewhere.

hmmmmm. dont know liaoz. se morgan they all how bah.

anyway!! totally looking forwad to the awesome "holidays".

having flea this saturday,

next week working for IT fair again and imma get my new lappie. fuckyeah.

next next week gonna do abit of studying for upcoming mst??

and the last week of the so called holidays imma just enjoy myself :B

having chalet on the 19th,dtrm camp on 20th and 21st.

gonna crash someone's house to sleep!! hehehe.

just hope my plans dont get busted or else im dead meat.

hmm dont know what to post liaoz.

au revoir.

monday 23rd may '11

2011-05-23T20:57:00.000+08:00

" price of love: heartbreak. "

dont know, these days, been feeling off.

envy's always round the corner.

and the sudden turn of events are totally not helping anyway.

its like, all my plans keep getting busted;

work's piling high high up;

having some social and personal problems;

money's become a more prominent problem too;

everything's just ramming straight into me all of a sudden.

dont know how to put it;

there's so much on my mind once again.

yet i just cant the right words to fit in everything.

i need my drinking + htht session soooooooon.

can next month please come fasterrrrrrrrr ):

oh well. i just need a sanctuary.

anyway, here's a song that keeps getting in my head naoz:

( FTisland: dont love. )

"I should go, i should hurry up and go.

because my stubbornness will turn into tears."

"It's hard, even just one step forward;

so i'll just stand crying with my back on you."

"Dont love, goodbye will always come;
it'll hurt so much that you cant even breathe."

"I thought that it'd only hurt as much as i love you;

that it'd be okay, but no, it hurts a thousand times more."

"Instead of yearning for you,
living with my eyes closed is probably better..."

"Dont love, it'l hurt so much that you'l feel like dying,

tears will just fall each and everyday."

"i thought that it would be easier when a new love came,

i thought i could forget everything, like they said;

but no, my love cant be that way."

"Again and again, it cant, it cant happen;

i keep telling myself like a fool."

au revoir.

tuesday 17th may '11

2011-05-17T20:30:00.002+08:00

" everything comes to an end;

sooner or later. "

dont know, been poking around for topics to blog about.

but nothing comes to me.

so i'm just gonna end up with another boring post about my boring life,

yet again.

today's vesak day which = holiday which = no school.

but didnt go out (dont ask me why).

sorta mindfucked today. again, i dont know why.

yesterday night i was still fine, told myself i'm gonna study today.

but. still ended up wasting my whole day off.

my home's totally giving me zero motivation to study.

ikr, exams are coming soon, my past promises of studying ya da ya da.

but i just cant get back on track.

sometimes, i really fucking hate myself.
i just need to stop procastinating. wtf is wrong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

ohya, forgot to mentioned,
mood's down in the dumps these days.
dont know how to explain, but yeah.
for those who have access to my private blog you'll know.
ohwell. talk about faking.
you aint the only one who can feint.

au revoir.

sunday 15th may '11

2011-05-15T23:07:00.000+08:00

“ all over again. ”

an array of emotions, so explicit.

so much on my mind, so much to say.

yet, no one's here.

i'm too fucked up to be thinking okay.

forget it.

au revoir.

friday 13th may '11

2011-05-13T00:23:00.000+08:00

“ 再见王子。 ”

心中的那个王子要说再见。

不是放得下，只是要勇敢尝试。

因为并不想再次感受心酸的滋味。

已经慢慢习惯一个人了；

习惯了得自己走每一步；

习惯了尽量不要再让自己受伤；

习惯了心碎了又碎的感觉；

习惯了孤独；

习惯了不要去想太多。

可是所有一切却并没有帮到，

帮我复原。

想到，心还是会酸，

心还是会痛；

只是这次眼泪不再掉了。

因为我答应过自己，

哭过就好了；

伤心过了就算了。

只能说的是，

谢谢你所给的回忆；

我会好好珍惜的。

au revoir.

tues 10th may '11

2011-05-10T23:51:00.000+08:00

“ 回头看怕懦弱；

往前看怕坠落。”

这几天心中总是忐忑不安。

而我怕的是低潮来袭。

因为一开始就没有回头的余地了。

习惯，也好，也坏。

只希望自己能快点遗忘一切，

潇洒地继续走下去。

我得加油。

okay, enough of being cheena.

today, went watch fast fiveeeeeeee!

like awesome onlyyyyyyyyy omgawdz.

hawt hunks and babes all over!! *drool*

the plot, everything was awesome cool ttm too!

should watch it like seriously. rewatch also nvm!

ohya, over with the awesome stuff.

unawesome stuff? loads.

homework's piling up and up and up everyday and i'm not clearing it.

like seriously, i should just go die.

and best thing is i dont even understand the classes ):

okay, forget it. tmoz only got gen ed.

i shall slack one more day. tmoz then panic.

fml.

au revoir.

monday 9th may '11

2011-05-09T23:14:00.000+08:00

" aftermath. "

today, is monday.

time for some monday bluez to hit me, as usual.

morning woke up crazy early to do dbe, turned out i did nothing.

best right. all i did was to stone and play tap tap;

and of course, looked at cute guys walking past too.

i know, totally bimbotic and bitchy and despo.

judge all you want.

today, not in any mood to let anyone stand in my way.

stand in my way, you'll get a taste of what is hell.

lessons were boring like shitzxcs.

day totally dragged through.

break celebrated calvin's birthday, talked abit to zhenxiang

stats practical saw cute guy next door!!! (Y)

then, went home with jolene and edwin.

edwin's leg like omgawdz only. tkcare sia.

anyway, shall go bond with my awesome sisters liaoz.

and do aome homework (maybe).

au revoir!

sunday 8th may '11

2011-05-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

" crashed. "

today not gonna type in chinese liao. lazy.

i dunno how to put this but still, i owe sheryl big time (Y).

thankyou alot alot alot alot alot!!!!!!!! ♥
things, so much clearer now, project move on with life in operation!
its like, thankgod things are nipped in the bud.
saved my heart, before it got reduced into finer pieces.

so, life goes on.
i thankgod for giving me people like:
sheryl, my bestie and many more ♥

just remember,
dont come back to me once i've decided to leave.
dont come back to me when you're the one who started the ending.
just remember,
i'm not alone in the aftermath.

i'm definitely gonna pull through.
for myself.

au revoir.

saturday may 7th '11

2011-05-07T23:27:00.000+08:00

“ 我们走到这就好。”

努力想忘记你，却无能为力。

以为自己能习惯一个人的安全感，

却发现自己彻底地错了。

想你，却又不敢告诉你。

有时候，真的很希望我是超人；

有超能力知道你在想什么。

不要像个傻瓜痴痴地等；

等着一个等不到的人。

总觉得自己很傻，

又再度喜欢上别人。

对自己承诺过，不再喜欢别人的。

最终，还是走进圈套。

不是不知道喜欢就要付出心碎的代价，

可是我每次说的，

感情这种事，由不得我们来说。

可是这次不一样了，

我得找个方法离开，

你太完美，而我只是我，渺小的我。

永远不会有任何的机会。

真的很对不起，

我不会爱。

au revoir.

thursday 5th may '11

2011-05-06T00:38:00.000+08:00

" caught, in between. "

i dont know, been high so many days.

thought that i stood a chance.

now, it all came crashing down on me.

i think i did something wrong but i dont know what.

frustrating much.

i try not to think so much but to no avail.

i really dont know what to think liao.

mood is really down in the dumps.

au revoir.

wed 4th may '11

2011-05-04T22:47:00.000+08:00

" stuck, in the same nightmare. "

okay, ranting time!

dont read if you dont want to see the bad side of me.

i dont know, today's totally not my day sia.

woke up having bad headache, machiam i got hangover like that sia.

ate breakfast with zero appetite and nearly throw up sia.

dressed super weirdly (i feel), and almost attitude-ed gen ed teacher.
i totally feel like pon-ing gen ed for god's sake sia.
like every wednesday go there to get myself pissed off onlyyyyy :<
ohwell. life's like that, full of things you dont like.

after gen ed went to meet my awesome girls ♥
saw so many friends while camping at mac sia.
headed over to fc5 to eat and somehow my moods like keep going down.
did my best, held it all in. went off at around 4plus?

guilty muchhhhhhhhhhh.
cos didnt stay to see zj's squash trial and support gerv at walleeball :<
like guilty onlyyyyy but hais, parents. who to blame? ):
ohwell, dont wanna post already.
gotta go chion gmy dbe.
god save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

au revoir.

wed 4th may '11

2011-05-03T23:23:00.000+08:00

" you just cant resist. "

time flies. damnsxcz.

its already the third week of school already! O:

second week was ok, camwhored alot during lessons,

slacked out after school,

went for source code with alvin,

went back msia, blah blah blah.

sorta eventful week! lazy post liaoscxz.

gotta go sleep soonz!

anyway! i ♥ all my sisterrrrrrrrrrrs :D

au revoir.

sunday 24th april '11

2011-04-25T00:07:00.000+08:00

" caught myself in a heartache. "

it feels like now my life's at another cross junction.

and i'm in the middle of it.

problems coming from all different directions.

ramming straight into me.

school's already started and the first week just blew right past.

and i'm still not in schooling mode, much less studying mode -.-

shoot me wont you.

and seriously whats with you guys nowadays.

forget it. i shall just off lappie and do some reflections.

au revoir.

saturday 23rd april '11

2011-04-23T23:55:00.000+08:00

"厌倦了，那又怎样? "

累，

你们知道吗？

泪，

流过多少，连自己也不知道。

只能做的事，

是希望有一天你们能了解。

♥

我并不会甜言蜜语，

也不会撒娇，

更不会主动和你说话。

只会默默地在一旁，

看着你，守护着你，

在你背后支持着你。

无论你有没有发现，

我还是一样，

一直都在。

现在的我们，

实在令人懊恼。

虽然希望能多些进展，

却又害怕只是我想得太多。

当然，

我更不希望破坏我们的友情。

我想，我能做的，

就只有等待吧？

因为，

那是我一直都在做的事，

所以该是时候我适应了，

对吧？

对不起，

我不会爱。

au revoir.

thursay 21st april '11

2011-04-22T00:14:00.000+08:00

" you keep me hanging on. "

i dont even know if thats a good thing or not.

its like things you do, only keeps me getting more interested.

yet its like super unclear what your stand is.

frustrating much, yet a challenge.

its neither here nor there; neither satisfiable nor depriving.

maddening much?? there's more.

every little thing you say, every action you take;

i cant help but notice.

and now, i'm stressed up over that.

totally stressed out. its like my first, i definitely dont wanna mess it up.

but i'm clueless, helpless, lost.

so someone help me please, so give me some hint wont you?

au revoir.

tues april 19th '11

2011-04-19T23:30:00.002+08:00

" saw it coming... "

i've already saw disappointment coming;

i've already saw the end coming;

i've already saw everything coming.

yet?? i was still stupidly waiting for it.

i was just too tired to fight it off already.

life has so much to offer, i'll take so much.

but there are limits to what i can take.

so stop pushing me or i'm going to break like i did.

on eve of my first official school day, i got fucked again.

too lazy to elabrate.

but if you could read my mind at that time, dad would've been better off dead.

like serious. he was fucking absurd.

everything he also wanna give a damn about.

best part?

he cares about all the stupid wrong stuff -.-

and he never lets go. he may have thought he did but he totally didnt.

so, he should just stfu and stop acting like he knows what i'm thinking.

cos he doesnt, and never will.

wanna bet?? nahh.

no need for bet. everyone will just be betting the same thing as me.

ohwell.

anyway!

first day of school was cool, slacking aroundmost of the time.

but stats totally sorta sucked, totally seemed like not-my-fav subject kinda thing.

the rest were okayy. i love ms chen yen yin! (Y)

she like cute only(: first day of school mainly slacked.

but i still cant get use to school starting mode :<

ohmanz.

second day of school was pretty cool too~

alex (our econs tutor) quite cute (Y) then had break,

samuel treated us starbucks (Y) x10000000.

then played poker, dai dee and waited for lesson to start.

then had a little intro to accounting. seems pretty awesome.

i think i'll like it, i hope LOL

then ended the day!!! (Y) went to cityhall and ate lunch there.

cos gervina and her friend interviewing for zijun's job.

samuel treated me againnnnnn. treated me shokudo! (Y)

hahhaa i now still super guilty siaaaaaa :<

ohwell. thanks samuel(:

hais i shall go sleep soon. i know this sounds crazy, for me.
but waking up so early eveyday = killing me sia.
so yeah. nights!

au revoir.

sunday 17th april '11

2011-04-17T16:24:00.000+08:00

" beyond disappointment. "

fucked up again.
stop fucking my life wont you, fucktard.
yesterday was enough already.
said you would let me go.
in the end? you guys still fucking took your own sweet time.
and even had dinner before leaving for singapore.
you guys dont want to let me go, you say, you tell me nicely.
dont use this kind of 卑鄙手段 and fucking cheat me.
i aint any 3 year old kid anymore, fucktards.
i was fucking sick,
running a high fever, having bad sore throat, head feeling like its gonna explode,
you guys noticed? nope. i slept in all day, obviously something was wrong.
but you guys never knew.
aint like i cant tank on my own. i can.
but i'm your fucking kid, not ayone else's.
so show some care wont you.
fucking ironical when your own family dont even care;
but its those whom you dont even know well care more.

and hello. i'm fucking turning 17 this year not 3.
i want to have my freedom so why wont you gve it to me?
during secondary school you didnt even ask me to give you my timetable.
now i'm in poly, you need me to do so. tell me what fucking sense this makes.
and when i tell you that i'll pass it to you later means later.
cos i dont fucking know how to operate the new printer.
so stop fucking insisting you want it now.
it aint like you're gonna die the next minute.
it doesnt kill you to wait for another few hours right.
whatever le lah. i shall stop ranting cos it will only spoil my image -.-

oh btw, please learn to have the manners to knock before you barge in wont you?
you're a guy and i'm a teenaged girl who was changing when you barged in.
you're just plain lucky i didnt fuck you upside down when you did that.

anyway! tomorrow's first day of school!
mixed feelings of dreading it and looking forward to it :/
ohwell.

au revoir.

tues april 12th '11

2011-04-12T23:31:00.001+08:00

" i want the broken heart end. "

school's gonna start soooooooooon!!
like finally! YAY!!!

attended some camps these few days.

saturday went for the FOW at sentosa.

was okayyyyyyyyyy met quite alot of people!(:

spent abit of the morning outside korkor's POP place ):

after that had to leave for sp already.

GUILTY MUCHHHHHH!

now i still super guilty for not attending his POP ): ): ): ): ): ): ):

anyway played icebreaker games at sp and then painted our flag.

our group was pulbo! the name keep getting made fun at ):

ohwell. after lunch FINALLY headed to sentosa!
(Y) the sun was awesome (Y)

though got abit sun burnt on the shoulders but i'm happy(:

cos at least there's proof i've been sun tanned abit!

played many fun games at different parts of sentosa.

most embarassing forfeit was the roll-over-guys thing.

shant elaborate. was really freaking embarassing!!!!

after games (when we were left with the last station, the skies turned black :< )

went back to emarald pavilion and sang campfire songs and such.

played the save-yur-daddy game and then gathered around.

camp shirt was given to us and we were debriefed!

broke camp after singing happy birthday to amanda the birthday girl!

stuck around for some time then took our things.

i left with sheryl to bathe and found kim and his friend along the way.

followed them to palawan beach's toilet.

bathed then took tramp then ate at vivo's BK(:

had an enjoyable chat and then went home finally around 10plus?

these few days had, having and going to have FOP!

ystd just got talks and got to know our classmates...

after that went to fep with sheryl to paint our nails.

i'm loving my electric blue nowwwwww! (Y)

today report to school for more talks by the principal and the spgg person.

then played some station games, were crappy like hell hahahahah

then was prize presentation and some stuff.

then went to sim lim to collect pay...little like fuck sia.

i totally have no idea why its so little O:

aiya whatever. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

went bugis street to hunt around for denim shorts and stuff.

in the end gave up and just went home.

parents had a rather big row over dinner.

one of the most jialat ones i've known to see.

really dont know whats gonna happen to this family if i really goes on.

ohwell.

anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wanna go sentosa sun tan again soon!!! my leg got tan line ):

cos saturday i wore de shorts were fbts and then they were longer than my shorts.

so i today wore de shorts can see the tan line ): ): ): ): ): ): ):
hais tan lines shouldnt be what i'm supposed to be worried about now!

i should worry about tomorrow!!!!!!

got spice training and we're freaking supposed to bring our lappies to school.

gosh.

can someone freaking slash my throat nowwwwwwwwwwww???

please????? i'll die happily and return as an angel to watch over you!

hais. fml ):

wish me luck for tomorrow!!!!!!!

au revoir.

friday 1st april '11

2011-04-01T13:15:00.000+08:00

" we're all fools. "

happy april fool!

aint really in the mood to prank anyone or get pranked by anyone.

starting of the day wasnt that good already.

had insomnia till 5plus?????????

then slept fitfully with a stupid dream that i got lost in the dark in some ulu streets...

woke up with my left arm feeling twisted due to me sleeping on it ):

head throbbed the moment i tried to sit up, dont know why.

i'm trying now, to make sense of my stupid dreams these days.

then i realised that aint what i actually want.

what i actually want is more like.....

i want to be quick to forget. forget everything in life.

especially those freaking bad memories.

lock them up in some drawer, stick a "DANGER, KEEP-AWAY" sign on it.

and pray that it gets forgotten forever.

thats all that i can hope for.

because many a times, people unknowingly talk about those bad memories,

and the drawerful of bad memories come flooding over you,

like a jack-in-a-box taking you by surprise the moment it comes out.

hais.

au revoir.

thurs 31st march.

2011-03-31T00:21:00.000+08:00

" screwed. "

that's what i'm feeling now;

that's what i am now.

that's what my life is.

that's what my future is.

that's just a word, but yet it can be applied in many cases.

words; they bring you far,

many might argue that words aint anything,

its the meaning behind it that counts.

but i beg to differ.

words, though they can only bring you that far,

it only applies in some cases.

but for fucked up people who talk using it to hurt others,

the words that they use can really bring it damn far.

far beyond forgiving.

forget it. i'm too lazy to type out everything.

anyway! next week's gonna go sentosa and bathe in the lovely sun!!!!

thanks to vivienne i FINALLY found someone who wants to go sentosa too!

excited much(:

ohwell.

au revoir.

tues 29th march '11

2011-03-29T23:57:00.000+08:00

" jigoku. "

i wonder what its like. must be pretty bad eh?

still, not that i'm afraid of it.

just afraid that there'll be revenge to ferry me there.

ohwell. whatever. my conscience clear.

anyway! happygirl today(: heeheehee.

cos....i finally found out my account got how much balance.

my mom has been keeping it from me since dont know when.

i dont know why, dont ask me why.

on top of that, i went on a shopping spree!

not for clothes but for snacks.

i'm so damn gonna get fat becoming couch potato :(

but there's nothing better than watching awesome shows while eating snacks,

aint it? :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

shall go continue watching my drama~ :D

au revoir.

friday 25th march '11

2011-03-25T23:06:00.000+08:00

" save me. "

( saw this from somewhere, HAHAHA

i only agree with the "horrible condition part,

not the "cut it out" part, no wrries. )

something is definitely off with me.

i dont know what, but there must be something ):

i've got my theory - that i've been cooped up too much to the point i lost my sanity.

i hope my theory aint right.

because if it was right, it would be a harder problem to solve :/

i dont know why but everyday i keep fighting different urges.

i shall not list of them down; there are just too many :x

i didnt used to be like that. i know i know i know.

but people change dont they???

i used to be naive, just taking life the way it is no matter how suckshit it is.

now? i keep finding myself fml-ing all the way.

i keep laughing it off telling myself it was just a common slang used.

but somehow, during the times when i'm alone,

as in not physically away from other people;

but alone as in when i'm the only conscious person in a particular room,

my thoughts keep running wild on their on accord.

i. desperately. need. to. stop. all. these. craziness.

and my mood is totally as constant as the weather nowadays;

i can become sad over small things,

get irked with small things,

get over the moon with small things.

i mean its crazy isnt it?

i need to get out of this routine life of mine.

its totally driving me crazy. i need my poly life to start.

pinky swear.

au revoir.

thurs 24th march '11

2011-03-24T23:09:00.000+08:00

" sometimes, you've just gotta admit. "

admit that life sucks pretty much!

YAY. i'm excited for the upcoming freshman camp at sentosa!

i dont know why. must be sugar rush,

thanks to the caramel popcorns from garrett popcorns!
ohmanz. its freakin' awesomecoollikeomgttmwtfyeah. HAHAHA

i pinky swear u're gonna love it when you eat it.

manz, i'm almost feeling the sugar rush pulsing through me -.-

ok i should chill HAHAHA

today, i realised. having friends that actually care for you deep down is awesome.

like really awesome. i know its a little late knowing but ohwell.

its never too late is it? heee.

i seriously think i'm totally off my mind.

should end post before i start blabbering more nonsense.

REMEMBER TO TRY OUT THE GARRETT POPCORNS!

there's one branch at citylink and another at universal studios~

au revoir~

wed 23rd '11

2011-03-23T23:15:00.001+08:00

" i need to get back,
back on track. "

man, that seriously didnt feel good at all.

pangs of jealousy's getting in again. seriously, wtf is wrong with me.

it aint even like it mattered much,

cos it wasnt even a big issue; but not a small issue either.

maybe you didnt know, was too oblivious or was just too obtuse.

or it was just you, you and your ambiguousity.

if it was someone i didnt know, i wouldnt even have cared.

because i wouldnt even know something happened.

but now everything's different, cos its someone i know.

manz. why am i even wasting a post on you -.-

anyway! mom's getting more sick ):

hais. morning she totally freaked me out, went to sleep from 12pm to 3pm?

i practically kneeled down to pray that nothing happens to her.

i know, in situations like these i should be the one to first break the ice.

but somehow i cant find the words to....

and her coldness (for dunno whatever reason i cant find out) towards me aint helping.

zzzzzzzzzzzz cant we all be less stubborn and break the cold war?

hais.

last thing i want to say before i go.

its been stuck in my head for very long, but i always forget to say.

you know, there are times when i type stuffs like:

hahahaha, LOL, ~, !, heee, :D, (: ,

or anything like the sort, it doesnt necessarily mean i'm ok or i'm feeling alright.

its just that i want to save the hassle of replying to others asking 'hey you ok?".

i mean. sometimes, its fucking obvious that for god's sake i'm not alright ):

hais. zzzz this is so ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): you know you know you know.

i guess you dont.

ohwell.

au revoir.

monday 21st march '11

2011-03-21T23:53:00.000+08:00

" put on your best,

bestest smile to cover up your scars. "

i'm sick. i think.

my brain's been tampered with again.

and i can totally feel the heat in my body.

i cant even bend down properly; its lke when my head goes down,

my head throbs like crazyshit, and my nose feels all weird.

like i'm going to get a nosebleed or something.

( i dont know if its so; i havent had nosebleeds before )

my voice is lost once again, the singing i keep doing sure doesnt help.

my nose is running all over the place and i wished i could scratch my throat.

hmmm.

somehow, while typing these, song lyrics popped into my head:

" i need a doctor, doctor, to bring me back to life~ "

hahaha my brain's screwed like that.

and it seems like, recently, my stm's getting worse than ever.

take an example, i keep getting lots of "inspirations".

for either new song lyrics or just stuffs to post on fb.

but everytime, by the time i get to facebook or find my lyrics book,

i totally forget what i wanted to say or jot down.

it is totally irking my crazy.

ohwell. i should just bring a pen and paper around with me 24/7 -.-

ohya, singapore poly has confirmed my enrolment, like finally!

and they sent me the card thingy already.

hahaha i look fugly on it, pinky swear.

ohwell. 3 years only. shall tahan or find some nice sticker to replace it.

shall be a good girl once again and turn of the comp soon,

and go to bed to "sleep".

au revoir~

If I Die Young-The Band Perry-LYRICS! :)

2011-03-20T13:58:00.000+08:00

" before i die, "

this song is like, stuck in my head all day long.

its an awesome nice song.

if i die young, i would really want to be buried in satin,

laid down on a bed of roses,

sank in the river,
sent away with the words of a love song.

sweet leh!

you may think i'm screwed or something is wrong with me.

i wont deny, there is something wrong with me i guess.

because ystd night, i totally went to buy ice cream,

from the ice cream man downstairs.

and i sat outside my house's stairs and finished it,

while thinking about things.

you may think its normal, but to me it aint normal.

i've not bought any icer cream from an ice cream before,

needless to say have i ever sat at the stairs to eat.

i dont know, it now feels like i need another rehab again.

it feels like my head's in chaos,

and the silence between me and mom makes things maddening, much.

in life, shit happens.

but what can we do? i'll choose to walk away from it.

unless i'm the one who created the mess.

but this time round, it aint me.

so, it aint my problem.

like a chinese saying that goes:

" 解铃人还需系铃人 "

you've gotta clean up your own mess in life.

thats all i've gotta say, for now.

au revoir.

friday 18th march '11

2011-03-19T00:07:00.000+08:00

" you make me speechless. "

the "you" definitely is talking about you, yes, you.

its disappointing ttfm, making me speechless at your absurdity.

hais. thankgod the chalet's timing was just nice,

nice timing for me to runaway for awhile, for me to breathe.

so yep chalet ended!!! (: ): sad that it ended so fast.

memories are all that's left now. i'l treasure it, promised(:

wednesday met up with everyone but they were all late ): ohwell.

checked in, slacked, did some grocery shopping, went for pool.

ate dinner, blah blah blah. joey came around 10plus.

decided to go sing k, but turned out that we went too late, it was only an hour before closing time.

so we pushed our k session to the following night.

went back to chalet and watched movie! bathed, and tonned through the rest of the night.

i only fell asleep at dawn? god-knows-what-time.

got out of bed only at 10plus? ate breakfast with jj while waiting for nigel.

after that slacked awhile and played cards.

joined jj's friend nex door for abit of mahjong then went for pool.

seems like i really desparately need to polish my pool's skills by alot.

hmmm. went back to chalet at 6? ordered pizza for dinner!

ate till we were full ttm, jj can comprehend this.

HAHAHA he totally lost in indian poker! (Y)

slacked and went for kbox at around 9!

sang till arond 2 and headed back to chalet.

started our drinking session (Y) (:

me, jj and his friends sat downstairs and played cards.

whole time i felt like shit cos the alcohol sort of burnt my throat on its way down.

hais. ohwell. headed back to room at around 5? washed up abit.

tried to find some space to sleep but couldnt. so ended up sitting in a cold corner.

fell asleep for abit and woke up at 6 then emo-ed for abit.

packed up at 10:30 and left for breakfast at white sands.

came home and stoned till now. sorta sucks.

parents are both treating me super weirdly and mom's extreme.

hais, what else can i do but to take it all in? ):

ohwell. shall try go sleep with my blocked nose ):

au revoir.

tues 15th march '11

2011-03-15T17:55:00.000+08:00

" because you tire me out. "

today's the first day after work at the IT roadshow.
sort of feeling super empty, like the empty feeling you get;
after you've finished a drama series,
or when u've gotta leave when a few days of chalet or stayover is over.
it sucks big time, this feeling i mean.

i guess my cousin's right about the 无中生有 thing.

i mean like wtheck. i'm already doing my best to be nice.

hold in everything, hold in my fucking hard to control temper.

and there she is, pising me off more and more. fuck sia.

she always say i bo dai bo ji flare up but hello?

its like the pot calling the kettle black or something can.

now she's the one flaring up for nothing.

i reflect back, i've not even done anythign fucking wrong.

and she has the face to be pissed at me.

what the fuck is this i fucking ask you.

she not happy that i work she say la.

but then again, think about it. i dont work, what can i do?

staying at home is the only thing i can do.

i go out, she not happy.

i stay at home, help her do housework, she also not happy.

SO WHAT THE FUCK SHE WANT ME TO DO!!!!!!

its not like i stay at home and i sleep till 3pm then use computer till 3am leh.

i wake up at like what, 10am? eat till 12pm? then use comp till 6pm?

then i help her do housework and then bathe till 7plus? eat dinner till8plus?

then use comp til 11plus then i fucking off liao leh!

i'm like sleeping even much earlier than i do on school days can.

and i never even go out very frequently can.

i'm telling you, watch out.

i'm already not handling situations well anymore.

piss me off even more, see what i'll turn into. just wait and see.

-'- forget it.

au revoir.

tuesday 8th march '11

2011-03-08T14:17:00.000+08:00

" life's like that. "

yea, that's what i've been saying frequently these days.

dont know why. i'm submitting more and more to fate already.

tsk. i know i shouldnt be doing so but yea.

its so hard somteimes. just so hard.

i'm here doing my best to please you, for what or why i dont even know.

i mean, i've attained your level 1 request and you say i need to get to level 2.

i tried, climbed to level 2, succeeded in reaching it, now you want level 3.

its draining, much. you know? nope.

so why am i even saying all these here ): hais.

life's like that. bobian eh.

and oops, the singapore poly person just called to my house :/

say i have some bank account thing written wrong ):

hais not my fault. its my first time ok.

ohwell. we all make mistakes.

i'm sure i aint the only one submitting the wrong stuffs.

i should calm down and stop fretting. HAHAHA.

au revoir.

thurs 3rd march '11

2011-03-03T22:58:00.000+08:00

" i'm a wreck you see. "

there's so much on my mind now.

but i cant seem to find the words to explain anything.

i thought i was wrong.

but it turned out even wrong-er.

god. what am i even talking.

forget it -.-

au revoir.

wednesday 2nd march '11

2011-03-02T18:23:00.002+08:00

" disappointment. "

life's like that. always.

take today for an example, and the past few days too.

its worse when its your family who disappoint you.

family's supposed to be the most basic foundation of life, no?

now i cant even find the words to describe how i feel or what happen.

even if i could, i wouldnt say no more.

i mean, whats the point?

i say so much here, it aint like they'll know or whatever.

so forget it.

i really wonder how long more i can last.

after having heart to heart with xiaohui then did i realise,

its not like i'm biased. it aint only me who feels like that.

this is how pathetic situations like these could get.

i mean you have so many people feeling like that about your way of doing things,

it really means there's something wrong already.

so why the hell cant you realise it and change your ways?????????????????? ):

in chinese, disappointment is 失望.

but i think if this goes on, it wont even be disappointment i'll be facing.

i dont know what i'll be facing already. more like facing 绝望.

i know, my plan of changing myself to smile more blah blah blah is failing.

epic fail you can say.

i know, it didnt even work, didnt even last for more than a month.

shoot me.

but hey, at least i did try sodont ever say i didnt.

i thought it over. ~~why~~ who am i even changing for?

i change for myself not for others.

so i shouldnt be pushing myself to be what others want me to be.

i'm just going to be me. kthxbye.

au revoir.

friday 25th feb '11

2011-02-25T17:50:00.003+08:00

" welcome to my life "

fml. like totally. it was just a simple vulgarity.

it aint even like i stole or murdered anyone or committed a sin.

sometimes i regret starting out too nice and goody.

people just keep taking it for granted.

why is life like that ):

people always taking things, taking ou for granted;

always asking for more and more.

all they do is expect more and more, not once did they slow down. to think.

think about how draining it is on people whom they keep asking more of.

like the lyrics of a song once said,

even the seasons change.

so let me ask you this, what else can you expect from humans?

everyone, at some point of their lives, are bound to change.

maybe for the better maybe for the worse.

its just a matter of the degree of change. shocking or subtle.

all i can i say is people are damn 现实 nowadays.

see,

if you started out bad, rotten to the damned core,

people's expectation of you would definitely be lowered.

every small tiny change for the better in you, people view it as great achievement.

but me? started out all too good.

now even a small vulgarity, even a few extra holes pierced,

is enough to blow everyone off their stupid feet. -.-

so, i've thought it throgh these few days.

i'm just going to be me. either you accept it or you leave it.

and yeah? iritating person, think. think. not about others.

THINK ABOUT YOURSELF.

for god damned's sake.

you keep preaching, saying until machiam you've got great kids,

cos you know all about buddhism and 儒家思想 crap.

but i can tell you.

you aint got good kids at all.

you're just lucky that brother and sister aint like me.

saturday 12th feb '11

2011-02-12T17:41:00.000+08:00

" there's a reason,
behind everything i do. "

just came back from my new year in malaysia.

so, sorry for the abit-dead-blog :x

i dont know why,

these few year's chinese new year always leave me back to singapore with nostalgia.

its either i'm crazy or i've gone soft.

it aint like i'm super close to my relatives, but still.

i miss everything, everyone.

i miss those tears shed,

i miss those laughter,

i miss my naggy old (but nice) grandma,

i miss my xiao hui, xiao min.

i miss danny.

i miss staying up all night talking to danny.

i miss playing labi,

i miss going out with my cousins.

i miss all those people i can only see once a year.

i miss wandering aimlessly around till my cousins came home from school.

i miss having someone to heart to heart talk with.

i miss the fireworks.

i miss the noises that would wake you up from my hard-to-get sleep.

i miss missing everything.

there is so much i am missing, so much i could miss.

though me and my cousins dont talk much usually,

but what we need to say aint needed to be spoken.

we just understand each other.

really special thanks to danny who's always there for me.

seeing me through my ups and downs.

this year's new year, wasnt exactly good if you took away the:

1. danny-and-me-heart to heart moments,

2. take ang bao moments,

3. playing labi till 5am in the morning moments.

all in all, it was pretty much disappointing.

the starting itself wasnt good. dont ask what or why, too lazy to explain.

look at what happened below, you might really think i'm crazy.

crazy to even miss such a nothing-much-new year.

but you wont know, cos you aint me.

day before 除夕 (01 02 11)

the day sucked pretty much, went back to kluang with mom.

it just sucked much cos of the rush and everything.

too lazy to explain. we were both at fault but still, argh.

had my virgin experience of bus-ing back to kluang by myself.

reached kluang and 六舅 came to fetch me.

midnight went to jalan jalan at the night market for fun.

saw a guy who looked super like ryan, chuatio-ed me like O:

went home and slacked and yeah.

除夕/ 年三十 (02 02 11)

morning woke up, slacked around.

afternoon went over to my 叔母's place to clear our room for the family to stay.

went back to 外婆's house after doing so.

bathed and ate our reunion dinner while sis, bro and dad came back.

after dinner slacked somemore and went back to 叔母's place.

counted down to new year and tried to turn in.

tried my best but to no avail, like always cos the fireworks were crazy.

going off after on another. but thats what new year's like (Y)

大年初一 (03 02 11)

ate breakfast, collected ang baos.

slacked around and changed to go to 姨丈's house to 拜年.

totally got nagged by mum for wearing that cheongsam.

she said it revealed too much because its bareback.... -.-

ohwell.
after 拜年-ing at 姨丈's house went over and stayed at 外婆's house.
spent a lonesome time waiting for my cousins to come back from k ):
ate dinner and slacked. played labi till god knows when,
bathed and continued. finally decided to turn in arnd 3?
but had heart to heart with danny first.
felt nice to have someone finally listen to all my crap. (Y)
in the end i laid awake till dunno when while danny went to sleep first.

大年初二 (04 02 11)
woke up pretty early, slacked,
got to go online!(: so i was a happy kid.
got changed around 1 and slacked somemore.
wanted to go out but decided it was difficult.
danny managed to escape going back to labis with his family (Y)
so we ended up talking crap again.
went over to 三舅's house for lion dance at 3!
played ban luck while waiting for the lions to come.
they came, finally and we sure enjoyed to performance.
tried to pluck some of the lion's fur .__. but failed.
after all the excitement went into the house to gamble. ban luck!
gambled somemore back at 外婆's house.
dinnered, slacked and labi-ed all the way till late night.

大年初三 (05 02 11)
slacked around, got changed and played mahjong with jae n family,
then went for kbox in the afternoon!
sang till we were high but tired.
most of the day were gone like that.
went back to 外婆's house for early dinner.
after dinner just slacked and talked to my cousins.
bcos of this, i got stared at.
and mind you, the stare aint what i call friendly, at all.
wtf is wrong with talking to your male cousins?
it aint like we will fall in love with other or what right -'-
ohwell. then emo-ed awhile and got invited to the movies by my bro.
emo-ed along the way, only danny noticed.
at least the movie cheered me up.
watch a pretty funny but lame show. forgot the title of it already...
went home and labi-ed somemore(:

大年初四 (06 02 11)
slacked through most of the day, mood was pretty bad.
cos everyone were leaving already.
parents, siblings, jae, danny and his family all went back.
外婆's house quietened down suddenly ):
evening time 大舅 and his grandson left too.
at night went over to 三舅's house fo dinner.
at night just slacked and emo-ed :(

初五--初十(07 02 11-12 02 11)
the following week just slacked around everyday,
12th feb i went back to sg, while danny and his family came back to kluang.
bobian eh. i had to attend my 213 date with my friends so yep.
213 was fun enough.
helped the people somewhere between boonkeng and farrer park.
after that headed to queenstown for grocery shopping.
then headed back to neville's house.
ate lunch and slacked around, decided important matters.
some left early while me, jj, nigel, kevin, kevin's sister went for pool.
played till 8plus then headed back to neville's place to pick up our stuff.
initially wanted to join neville's bbq but decided otherwise as parents would scream.
cabbed home and rested.

初十二 (14 02 11) VALENTINE'S DAY!
nope, didnt have any dates neither did i go out.
went over to JB to meet danny and his family.
then tompang-ed their car back to kluang.
reached kluang round 9 and ate dinner out.
returned to 外婆's house and labi-ed all the way till after midnight then bathed.
told danny some stuff that nearly drove him bonkers (Y)
but after that we continued our labi session till around 2plus(:
i lost my money ): tsk. then turned in.
made danny wait up all night for me cos he thought i'll go down to accompany him.
HAHAHAHA ohwell. aint my fault :x is he dont want sleep de(:

初十三 (15 02 11)
morning wok up pretty early. ate breakfast and labi-ed again :/
after that slacked till afternoon and received the bad news.
shocked me pretty bad and i was like in self denial....
tried to contact 叔母 they all but couldnt find them.
returned to 外婆's house to wait for further news as it was the only thing i can do.
sent danny and family off.
almost wanted to cry, dont know why -.-
bade our farewells and yeah.
papa rushed back at night to make sure everything's ok.

16 02 11--19 02 11
16th went over to the 殡仪馆 to 守夜 and stuff.
17th, 18th, did routine stuff. and was pissed off at the same person! -.-
forget it. decided to let things go.... -.-
19th sent him off.....ate dinner with almost full attendance in years to come. almost.
this taught me the real meaning of 当时去也始终拥有.
hais. whats gone is gone forever. rest in peace okay?

okay its been a super long post already.
so, tata!

monday 31st jan '10

2011-02-01T00:36:00.000+08:00

" exhuasted. "

okay, i'm still doing my best in smiling!

but still its hard ): parents just had to make things extra difficult.

hais.

i should just heed my bestie's advice and stop thinking so much(:

okay, smile smile smile smile smile smile!(:

today, had quite a nice day.

headed to town to shop with shangyi that rich ass.

still say he no money when the shops he goes to are like O:

tsk.

after that headed down to meet weiren at marina sq!

wanted to sing k but in the end we thought it was too ex ):

like they told us 18plus but in the end +++ till 27plus! D:

so in the end we just ate talked crap(:

okay i gotta go sleep now ):

tmr need to wake up at 6 to go back to cchms!

see, i'm awesome like that(: teachers better be happy i'm back!(:

au revior.

friday 28th '11

2011-01-30T00:24:00.000+08:00

" dont ever look back. "

i believe, at some particular point in our lives,

we have the stupid feeling that, our parents are biased.

or that they dont love us as much as they do for other siblings we have.

hell yeah, i'm feeling like that now.

everything i'm at fault. everything i'm supposed to be the one doing.

ok, enough said. i must smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

): hais this is so hard.

sometimes, being nice is awesome.
awesome difficult.

the days now, just seem to blend in together.

i hope new year will keep my mind off things.

i should stop wishing that something would keep my mind off things.

cos i realised once the thing that is keeping your mind off things is through,

the things u tried so hard to keep out,

would come back slamming into your system even harder.

i wished it would stop raining too.

au revoir.

thursday 27th '11

2011-01-27T17:36:00.001+08:00

" i'm ready to feel, "

insomnia's taking a turn for the worse.
~~yesterday~~ this monring fell asleep only at 5plus?
mom never knows why i wake up so late every morning ):
she just thinks that i'm pure pig i guess. but i cant blame her..
anyway. last night spent the whole night thinking about everything.
gonna try writing down some of the things i've thought through.

ok, i found out:
that i aint actually a very verbal person. i tend to keep everything in;
i'm those kind who will people ask, then i answer kind of thing.
people always say i emo, but it aint that i like to emo.
its just that i dont speak up.
and with my blank face, people thinks i'm pissed or, emo -.-
so, in poly, i'm gonna open up, speak up more, smile more.
my resolution for the year (i know this is a lil' late, haha) will be:
be more friendly and smile more.

a few other things i've learnt.
life is going to take a turn, soon. in about a few month's time,
i'll be meeting new people, facing a new environment, learning new things.
everything is going to be new, i'm going to be a new me ( i hope i succeed ).
so, i will do my best to put all thats behind me, behind me.
i'm going to start life new. no point hogging onto all those downs in life anymore.
whats over is over, i'll keep telling myself that.
i wont really be seeing anymore of those nonsense no more.
so i'll do my very best to forget everything(:

i'm going to be on my way to my new me.
so, all the best to me!
shall post later when i'm back from neville's place.

au revoir.

monday 24th '11

2011-01-27T00:17:00.000+08:00

" 当再见不再是再见;
而是永别.... "

i dont know why.
i'm just in the mood to post my title in chinese all of a sudden.
call me cheena, whatever, see if i care.

i thought it didnt matter no more.
i thought it was over, history.
i thought i could just walk away, act like i didnt see anything.
in the end?
i still feel fucked.
so what?
you dont even know, wont even know.
not even the slightest bit.

i want poly life to start.
like now, in need of getting things off my mind.
ohwell.

au revoir.

sat 22nd '11

2011-01-22T01:54:00.000+08:00

" i wasnt going to stick around.

not forever. "

O: its like going to be 2am.

but. ohwell.

parents are overseas and i shall party the night away!

tsk bad me i know.

but ohwell! why let such a god opurtunity go by?

you've gotta take the chance when it comes to you!

hmmm.

looking forward to tomorrow.

watching some freaking scary show.

i pinky swear,

i am going to hate shang yi for encouraging me to watch it.

tsk.

my brain must be screwed to have agreed to it.

but, i need to take my mind off things.

i seem to say that alot huh.

ohwell.

post next time!

or maybe never.

i shall have to see if i survive tomorrow night(:

shang yi better deliver me home in a piece with my heart intack.

au revoir.

thurs 20th jan '11

2011-01-20T22:23:00.015+08:00

" past 19. "

had awesome stay over at class chalet ystd.

awesome, why?

cos its just plain awesome.

had an awesome person with me,

had an awesome time having heart to heart talk,

had awesome time trying to get myself wasted,

had an awesome free night tonning,

had awesome time trying not to freeze to death,

had an awesome time making breakfast,

had an awesome time getting down for nothing.

awesome much?

totally.

aside all that awesome stuff,

nostalgia's hitting me once more.

i'd rather sickness hit me once more.

nostalgia's just too much for me to take.

its just like living yesterday once more.

going through everything once more,

no matter whether you like it or not.

it just, comes back to you.

over,

and over,

and over again.

till you get sick of it.

but somehow u cant just shake it off.

comes back haunting you at night.

daunting every minute you get to be with yourself.

what the hell am i even talking in circles.

sometimes i wonder,

do i really want to become a psychologist,

or do i really want a psychoplogist instead?

au revoir.

sunday 16th '11

2011-01-16T23:34:00.000+08:00

" holding onto,

what i havent got "

i thought it felt right but that right was wrong.

i dont even know what kinda things i said.

so, summing up everything.

enough is enough.

i shall just stick to my principal.

suck it up if you want.

if not, dont let me know how heartbroken you are.

because,

for personal reasons i wont explain.

au revoir.

saturday 15th jan '11

2011-01-15T23:23:00.002+08:00

" you can call me a bitch.

i wont care,

but its only applied in your case. "

it feels like someone's been meddling with my brain.

someone, whom i dont know who.

must be doing it on purpose,

to see me stumble, and fall.

go on, now that i've done so, go on.

laugh all you want.

best part?

i cant even diagnose wtheck is wrong with my brain.

i know i'm a downright bitch.

but its better to leave it now,

at least give it sometime.

so that it wont affect it too much,

before its too late.

i bet you guys wont know what i'm talking about.

so dont guess, it wont do much good.

only i will kow what i'm talking.

i just dont have that faith in myself.

i'm scared, you know?

for everything.

for the future.

who knows what it holds.

no one.

thats why.

sometimes i really hate myself for ever losing it.

losing the sense of security.

losing sight of myself.

losing the sanity.

losing trust.

thanks, bestie,

for always being there.

or else. i dont where i would be now.

~~heaven?~~ most probably hell for suicide.

au revoir.

tuesday 11th jan '11

2011-01-11T17:03:00.000+08:00

" just breathe in,

you'll be fine... "

yes, i've learnt,

nothing can ever help take the things off your mind.

nothing,

so, i've learnt.

but i dont think i've learnt enough.

once was enough. now the second time.

am i stupid or what?

au revoir.

sunday 9th jan '10

2011-01-09T14:43:00.000+08:00

" now i'm afraid,

its too late to save again. "

yayness!

results are like finally out tomorrow!

people, just relax man.

i mean, what is done is done.

why worry about something that cannot be changed?

just chill and relax.

it will still come no matter what what.

right?

hais,

today's the 4th day already.

its sometimes really so hard to drag it on.

au reovir.

saturday 8th jan '11

2011-01-09T00:13:00.000+08:00

" you'll never forget your first,

not ever. "

day was boring enough already.

dont wanna say much.

today's the third day already (bestie!!!!!!! how D: )

anyway.

i'm so gonna do what i swore.

and i swear this.

i dont wanna give a damn anymore.

not a fucking damn no more.

am.

so.

super.

extra.

damned.

screwed.

au revoir.

wed 5th jan '11

2011-01-05T23:38:00.001+08:00

" thats why i need you to hear, "

i'm not a perfect person,

i never meant to do those things to you...

ok, another chui day.

woke up only at 1, after sleeping only at 7 this morning?

insomnia is getting into me. damnit.

best thing? my ear is bleeding like crazy.

and i cant obviously sleep on it.

mood has always been down in the dumps.

like always.

i dont know why.

sometimes i just want to believe it so much,

to the point that i can just ignore other possibilities staring in my face.

i dont want to believe but i have to.

like how i dont want to not trust but i have to..

what am i even talking about????

screw my brain,

screw myself.

au revoir.

tuesdae 4th jan 2011

2011-01-04T22:33:00.001+08:00

" and i keep telling myself,

it aint so bad. "

still, its bad.

my brain is half dead.

thanks to insomnia of thinking over things last night.

hence only waking up so late this morning.

i'm so sorry. replied you late like hell.

at least reply me please?

if not, at least tell me ur answer.

it sort of sucks waiting around for nothing.

waiting for the text that you know wont come.

and my fucking dying prepaid sure aint helping things.

i'm serious.

the "this" on the satus referred to the current situation,

not the ending part.

understand, wont you?

if not, just leave it, once and for all.

i wont bother you, ever again.

just.

need.

your.

reply.

au revoir.

tuesday 4th jan '11

2011-01-04T17:32:00.000+08:00

" i'm losing it again... "

moodless to post already.

wondering how's everyone's first day of school?

especially yours.

mood today = fucked up.

mom's starting her usual nagging and all that load of crap again.

and being the only one listening to that definitely doesnt help.

on top of all of that, i still have:

bad headache.

running nose,

throat that feels like it been scratched by thousands of needles.

needless to say, all these cant compare to what's going through my head.

i'm sorry.

au revoir~

thursdae 30th dec '10

2011-01-03T13:19:00.022+08:00

" might as well turn around,
and just end this,
cos its harder trying to stay mad. "

hell of a week i had.
imagine, i was so busy till i practically had no time to post.
which is like, so unlike me O:

27th to 28th had night cycling from ecp to changi and back to ecp.
so basically i ton-ed.

29th to 30th cousins came out from malaysia.
had to accompany them shopping, dinner and blah blah blah.
after that had a girlie night with one of my cousins,
didnt sleep till 3plus in the morning, waking up only after 3 hours of sleep.

31st was obviously another night for tonning,
went to pasir ris park to countdown, with my bestie, zh, nick, emily,
choonling, zhiling, weiqian, weiting, long-time-no-see kevin, his cousin.
drank not to my heart's desire, no.
but at least i did managed to(:
after that just slacking around and counting down.
people went off arnd 1plus, 2plus.
leaving only me, bestie, zh, emily, justin and kendrick.
walked to white sands as emily was nagging at us.
zh cabbed home while we made our way there.
after that spent the rest of the night at downtown's mac.
played texas poker and dai di all the way and u know.
went home and sorta crashed on my bed for a couple of hours and woke up.
i'm now addicted to tonning already.
die.

oh well, 1st day of 2011 was spent slacking and lazing around,
2nd day was actually spent worrying and being upset.
most of it was also spent at expo with bestie and emily.
returned home from expo with my ear feeling numb.
then sorta talked to kaixun on the phone till we were bored.
finally slept at arounf 1plus as i wasnt feeling well.

and finally! today, almost woke up screaming blody murder -.-
had super bad nightmare, it felt so fucking real.
damn. i think i'll have phobia of germany soon.
dreamt that i was in the dungeons during sometime after the hitler war.
ghosts of the dead soldiers were like brushing past me.
but i couldnt move or blink an eye.
or they'll make me dead as well.
zomfg. each and everytime they marched past me,
i could feel that overwhelming deathly vibe coming from them.
forget it. shall stop thinking about it liao -.-
hais. also had another dream.
but this dream was much better. but i dont think it'll come true anyway :/

i'm sorry about everything.
but still, i have to admit. i'm a bitch.
and i did warn you before hand.........
hais. fml is all i can say.

au revoir~

tuesday 28th dec '10

2010-12-28T23:57:00.001+08:00

" somethings, they just cant

be shown in words... "

an example to that? trust.

anyway! came back from my virgin try at night cycling(:

was super fun! though was tiring like hell.

cycled form ecp to changi and back to ecp.

from ecp to changi took 2 hours;

the trip back only took 1 and half hours.

rested at changi for one hour before setting back again.

the whole journey made my arse, thighs and shoulders ached like hell.

but the funny thing is i aint even tired O:

just plain sore-ness. funny me.

i think kiwi's sorta wrong about the part,

that we wont ever do cycling again in the next few years...

i dont mind doing again next year leh O:

so long as we stop and rest during the journey.

the cycling was fun, espeacially the trip back.

credits mostly to junjie(: and nigel(:

junjie cos he pei-ed me cycle throughout. THANKS BESTIE! :D

nigel cos he actually did something to my gear and made it better to pedal,

unlike the journey from ecp to changi, the pedalling killed me -.-

i really wont mind doing night cycling again!(:

THANKS KIWI FOR EVERYTHING~

but still, the day wasnt complete without my bad luck.
fucking hell saw who? my fucking first ex.
still had the cheek to wave, say " this is the best day of my life"
you think i didnt fucking hear? cb
u think its like i want to see you meh _|_
ohwell. disgusted, thanks to bestie who chilled me down.

ohya, last thing.

i think my baby really is down, down with flu and sickness.

tsk tsk tsk.

i'm sure i shall be the next.

throat's sore to the max and nose just keep running around D:

so yea. goodluck to me.

tkcare!

au revoir~